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HOW TO DEAL WITH
THE LOSS OF AN ADULT CHILD

Question: "A young boy age 22 has passed. He made a poor decision and is no longer with us. This was a shock to his family and so many other people that knew and loved him. He was a special young man that was admired by many as you could see from the turnout of the people that came to show their respect at his service. My question is, how do you explain or console his family and friends as to why this happened?"

Psychic Advice: Life is precious and fragile. The loss of a child is one of the most painful experiences that anyone could ever go through in life; it is every parent's worst fear, becoming the worst nightmare for those who must experience it. Life is full of painful challenges, and we must all endure the loss of loved ones throughout life's journey, but parents have a natural expectation that they will outlive their children. When a parent loses a child of any age, the crushing blow to the heart is virtually inconsolable, leaving friends and family feeling helpless and at a loss as to what to do.

Time eventually heals all wounds, but not the scars that are permanently etched on the hearts and souls of those who survive such loss. People have a tendency to gather close to a family in mourning for the first few weeks or months, and then tend to back away because they don't know what to say or do in the face of such profound pain. Friends and family members may assume that it is best to let others grieve in peace, but those who are mourning can feel a sense of abandonment and further loss at a time when they most need support.

Those who are grieving often need to talk about their loved one, or talk about their pain, or they may just need a shoulder to cry on. Many people don't know what to say to them, so it is often best just to listen to them with a heart of love and compassion. There is no "right thing to say", and many wrong things to say, so it is best not to focus on what to say to someone in mourning, just ask them what they need and how you can best support them.

Some people feel that grief should have some kind of time limit, but grief has a life and rhythm of its own that is different for each person. Many parents who have lost children feel that friends and family don't want to hear about it anymore after a certain time, but this pain of loss will never go away, and talking about their child is one way for them to keep their child alive. As a friend, it is best to listen with love and compassion for as long as it takes for the family to heal, and let them know that you are there to support them in that way, whenever they need to talk.

Grief counseling is very important for those who are grieving. It is especially important for parents who have lost a child to find a support group of other parents who have experienced the same pain of loss, so they can have the support of others who have true empathy and compassion for what they are feeling and going through. No one can really know what something feels like unless they've experienced it themselves, and once they do, they have a greater capacity for compassion and understanding for those who share the same experience. This is why support groups are so beneficial.

One cannot really console the pain of loss of a child, or loss of an adult child, especially if it was sudden and shocking. The void that is left is a chasm of pain that rips and breaks the heart open again and again. It is a trial by fire that burns and scars the heart and soul. It takes time to heal such wounds, but they will never completely heal. There must be compassion and understanding for this from all concerned.

Crying is essential for those who are grieving as it aids in the healing process. It is important for those in mourning to allow themselves to cry, and to be aware that it can be triggered anywhere at anytime by anything at all. It is equally important that they know that it is okay to cry in front of others, especially with their friends, and it is okay if they are still crying even after a year or two. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no set way or time frame for dealing with loss. Each person must cope with loss and grieving in his or her own way, allowing as much support as possible.

The loss of a child can put a great deal of strain and stress on the parents' marriage, and on the rest of the family. Each person will try to find their own ways of coping and dealing with the situation, which may pull them apart at a time when they most need each other for support. Females often need to talk and cry with friends and family members, while males will have a tendency to withdraw and retreat to mourn privately. As a result, a woman may feel abandoned by her husband when she most needs to talk to him, and a man may try to avoid his wife so her grief does not trigger his pain. This can cause both parties to feel angry toward each other, because it is easier to channel the deep feelings of grief into anger, and find a target for the feelings of rage and injustice, than it is to feel the profound and sometimes unbearable pain of loss and the void of emptiness that is left behind.

Some families choose to talk about their loved ones, while others try to avoid the subject, which leaves little to talk about and creates a great deal of tension, distance and separation. Many families can risk falling apart entirely when faced with loss, which creates further loss and pain. It is important for each family member to talk about what he or she needs from other friends and family members so others can offer as much support as possible in the way that each person needs it.

Forgiveness is a vital part of the healing process. One must be willing to forgive everyone and everything that occurs during the time of loss. It is important to forgive oneself and release any feelings or regret or responsibility, because all is exactly as it should be - otherwise it would have been different if it could have been different. It is important to forgive other loved ones and friends for what they said or did, or what they didn't say or didn't do. One must also be willing to forgive anyone who might be "at fault" or "to blame", including the person who died. Death is not a failure, it is a sacred transformation that we must all go through, and those who are somehow involved are taking on angelic roles to support that transition in whatever way it takes place. Forgiveness releases and frees all those concerned, and allows for true healing to occur at all levels for one and all.

We all grow and evolve profoundly through the joy of love and the pain of loss. What doesn't kill us does indeed make us stronger, deeper, with a greater capacity for love and compassion if we can have the courage to keep our heart open. Many people can have a tendency to close their heart so it can't be hurt again, but then they can never allow themselves to give or receive love again. It takes courage to face the challenges of life with an open heart, but as the saying goes, it is truly better to have loved and lost than never to have known love at all because love deepens us and enriches our lives, no matter how long it lasts.

Once love is created, it can never be lost or destroyed, it is merely transformed. We do not lose our loved ones - they are simply transformed to a higher vibration of love and light. Once they have made this transition, most people have trouble seeing them in normal waking consciousness, but we can feel them around us at different times, and we can see them in our dreams when we have easier access to higher realms of conscious reality. These are not really dreams - they are actually visitations and moments of contact that are very real and vivid. Sometimes the mind will have a difficult time grappling with seeing them again, and it can feel somewhat bittersweet, but it is lovely nonetheless.

When a person loses a child, there are often a lot of questions left unanswered which can shake a person's faith in love and in life. Questions such as "Why did this happen?", or "How could this happen?", or "Why him/her?", or even "Why me?", or "Are we being punished for some reason?" can all arise when faced with such loss. Many of these questions have personal answers that can be addressed in a personal reading, but there are Universal truths that apply to all life and death.

A person can only die when it is their time to go. Some people have many windows of opportunity to pass to the other side, and choose the time that is best for carrying out their purpose on Earth and their sacred contracts. Death is a choice, although it is not necessarily a choice that is made consciously. Those who have had near-death experiences have demonstrated that we have choice even after the last breath it taken by the body.

It is our soul that chooses when we incarnate and with whom, what contracts and missions we will undertake as part of our life's purpose, and it is our soul that determines when a lifetime is complete. Some souls come to Earth like shooting stars, shining a bright light that touches many people in a short amount of time - this is the case for the young man you are referring to. Such a bright light inspires others and will have a ripple effect on many people's lives that will continue long after he is gone - he will never be forgotten by all those who've been touched by his light and love.

We all come to Earth with sacred contracts to fulfill with other souls to help each other in the growth and evolution of our consciousness. Most people also come with karmic bonds to other souls that must be balanced and reckoned at some point on our soul's journey. We will reincarnate with many of the same souls over and over again, lifetime after lifetime, playing different roles for one another in order to fulfill these purposes. We are certain to see those we love again in other lifetimes, and also in the space and time between lives that is known as the "Afterlife".

Some souls sacrifice themselves and their lives so that others may grow and evolve through the pain of their loss. This is true both personally, and even collectively in such circumstances as 9/11, hurricane Katrina, the great tsunami, as well as the death of great leaders and prophets. Death and loss actually serves as a tremendous opportunity for awakening and growth of consciousness for all those who are touched by it, yet it can drive some people further into unconsciousness if they are trying to avoid their pain. Death is really a profound opportunity for transformation, both for the person who transitions out of the body into a higher realm, and also for those who are left behind on Earth.

There are many reasons why people die at a particular time and in a particular way - sometimes the form of death itself may be fulfilling a sacred or karmic contract. Some souls only have contracts for a certain amount of time, or to carry out contracts with certain people, and once their contract is fulfilled, their life is complete. Some souls reach a place of personal peace and completion in their lives that opens a doorway to allow them to evolve to a higher dimension. Some souls get called to higher realms so they can be of greater service to this planet as angels and guides for their loved ones, and for others. Some souls pass peacefully, others suddenly, and some go out with a bang, but each experience is a gift of profound growth and evolution for all concerned.

What is important to remember is that grief is for the living, not for those who've passed. Our loved ones have passed into a higher dimension of love and light, and they are always with us. However, the grief we feel is for our own loss of their physical presence in our life. The soul is eternal, and transcends time and space. We will all see our loved ones again, for we have promises to make and to keep with one another to serve each other in the eternal evolution of the soul. Those who have touched others will live on in their hearts until they can be together again, and again, and again....

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