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"THE AFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN"

Question: "I have returned from England a few years ago, and still have close contact with a couple that have recently split up. Their oldest daughter is my Goddaughter whom I love dearly. I am worried that this sudden split may cause her to react negatively to school and her love of participating in her sports endeavors, as well as her schoolwork. Is there anything I can do to assist the family at this time, even though I am here in Canada?"

Psychic Advice :
Children are the casualties of divorce. Parents are often so focused on their own pain and anger, and on the battle with their spouse over the children, that they often do not really consider the wounds they are inflicting on their children.

Divorce not only creates broken homes, but also creates many broken hearts. There is no way to avoid this pain for all concerned, but parents can do many things to lessen the affects of divorce on children, or conversely to deepen the wounds, depending on how they choose to act and react to each another, and to their children.

The family unit represents security and stability for children, and home is supposed to be a safe sanctuary. When those walls start to crack, children no longer feel safe, and they don't know who or what to trust anymore. In essence, divorce becomes a betrayal of a sacred contract to love and care for the children, and keep them safe above all else.

There are times when it is far better for the children to experience the pain of divorce rather than living in a war zone where their parents are fighting all the time, hurting each other and the children. This is a very detrimental environment for all concerned, which can affect everyone's nervous system and health over time, so at times it is better to call a truce through divorce.

Marriage and relationships are challenging, and creating a good marriage requires intention, commitment and dedication. Communication is key, and the breakdown of communication and connection is often what is at the root of divorce. This is why it is important to seek out help or counseling whenever the relationship hits challenges. All well-traveled roads will get potholes over time, and one must have the intention to repair them in order to make the road smooth again. Unfortunately, many couples just try to avoid those holes as they continue down the road, or they just decide to live with the bumps, but eventually those sinkholes will become so deep that they will swallow up all the love.

Counseling is recommended for all parties affected by divorce, especially for the children. People often seek counseling as a last resort, but it is often too late for real healing to occur. By that time there is often so much water under the bridge that the bridge gets washed away, and any hope for reconnection washes away with it. Once bitterness and resentment are allowed to fester, the relationship becomes very hard to heal, so we seek out amputation in the form of divorce just to salvage whatever is left of the individuals involved.

There are such things as "good divorces" and there are certainly such things as "bad divorces". A bad divorce destroys everyone, especially the children, with constant fighting, name-calling, blame and battling over possessions. Under these circumstances, children themselves are often treated as possessions, and become pawns in a terrible tug-of-war where everyone gets dragged through the mud. This creates wound after wound after wound for everyone involved, and can destroy children's spirits as they get torn in two. There is no need for divorce to be so bitter, and it is up to parents to really be adults under these circumstances, and to rise above petty squabbling for everyone's sake.

Some people use divorce as a battle to inflict as much punishment, pain and suffering on their ex-spouse as possible, but this only hurts the children in the end. With this type of revenge, you must dig graves for the spirits of every family member, because this approach is terribly destructive to all concerned. In order to have the best possible affect on the children, parents must be willing to rise above their differences, and truly do all they can to support the children's wellbeing in every possible way. Forgiveness is paramount.

The best kind of divorce is a peaceful divorce where both parties recognize that their relationship is no longer working for them in its present form, and would be better if they were apart. It is important to remember that once love is created, it can never be destroyed, it can only be transformed. It takes a great deal of spiritual and emotional maturity to love and respect each other through a break up, but it is profoundly better for everyone involved. This is the highest path that offers the greatest amount of growth and evolution for the heart and soul of all concerned.

It is very important to put the needs of the children first. Instead of being focused solely on their own wounds and fears, parents must have compassion for what their children are going through when faced with the devastation of their home and family. Parents often wonder why their children "act up", but if their parents don't listen to them, then it is often the only way that children have of getting the attention they desperately need, and releasing their emotions.

Children must be able to express their fears and concerns, and must be reassured that they will still have both a mother and father who will always love them. They must also be encouraged to love both parents without having to choose sides, or feeling disloyal to one parent by loving the other. Children are all about love, and they want to know that their parents loved each other and will still love them and each other, even if they can't live together.

Parents must proceed as slowly and as gently as possible so the transition of separation and divorce is not a great and sudden shock to the children. This is even more important if there are other lovers involved. People who are in love with someone else can have a tendency to be extremely selfish (especially if their lover is impatient or demanding), but acting without respect or compassion can have devastating long-term results for all concerned. Acting selfishly and recklessly will not foster the children's acceptance of the other person - in fact, that other person is likely to become the target of all the children's feelings of anger and betrayal, which is not a good foundation for a future happy relationship.

Since you are a friend to both parents, it is important that you not take sides, but that you continue to offer them friendship, love and support, without getting caught in the middle of it all. Perhaps you might want to have the courage to share some of these words with them to encourage them to be loving and respectful each of one another throughout their separation, for their own sake and for the wellbeing of the children. Remind them that they will always be parents together, even if they are no longer together.

You can also give your Goddaughter your phone number and email address, and encourage her to contact you whenever she needs to talk (even if the phone call needs to be collect). Just because you are not with her does not mean you can't offer her support. Children need to express their feelings of fear, anger, hurt, blame, etc., and often they are not able to do that with their parents, either because they are afraid to, or because their parents ignore their children's feelings because they are so caught up in their own.

It would be best for your Goddaughter to find a counseling group, or even a peer group online where she can talk about what is going on and express how she feels about it with people who understand what she is going through.  Although children should always be cautious about chatting on line (especially because children who are going through divorce are very vulnerable), there are websites that offer support to children affected by divorce such as:
http://www.kidsturncentral.com/topics/issues/divorce.htm

Children often feel very alone in divorce, and feel guilt and worry that it is somehow their fault that their family is splitting up. No matter what age they are, they often feel rejected, abandoned, betrayed, unloved and unlovable. They tend to believe that if their parents really loved them, then they would stay together.

Some couples choose to stay together for the sake of the children, but a distant, cold or loveless marriage is not a supportive environment in which to raise healthy children, especially if there is ongoing conflict. We teach children by example, and the way that they experience their parent's relationship will impact and affect their beliefs and experiences about love and relationships for the rest of their lives.

Although all children are affected by divorce, the affects of divorce on children can vary with each child. Some children will focus on sports and schoolwork even more, either to intensely distract themselves from what they are feeling, or out of a belief that if they were somehow better and could please their parents, then their parents wouldn't leave them and would stay together.

If children are very sensitive, they can take on their parents' worries, and worry more about their parents' wellbeing than their own. These children will often take on a parental role for their siblings, and even try to do what they can to take care of their parents! This fosters a heavy burden of responsibility of having to take care of everyone else that will often stay with them for the rest of their life.

The affects of divorce on some children will cause them to get sick often out of a need for love and nurturing, but this can weaken their immune system and cause them lifelong health problems (especially with the lungs or digestive system). Some will start failing in school because their heart is broken and they just don't care about anything anymore. Some children will act out in negative ways, either to get attention because they are being ignored (negative attention is better than no attention at all), or because they have no other way to express their feelings of anger and frustration.

Other children become very depressed and despondent. Some children may even become suicidal, especially if they are being ignored, because they feel that their security in life has been pulled out from under them - they feel unloved and unlovable, and they don't know if they have the strength and courage to survive the pain of life in the present and for the future. These children must get help and counseling right away so they can begin the healing process.

Divorce is really a death. It is the death of a relationship, the death of a family, the death of a dream, and the death of love and happiness. Everyone who goes through divorce will experience feelings of grief and loss at some point, especially children. (Some people feel a sense of relief or elation when they get divorced, but this is only because the relationship died long before, and they have already completed their grieving process and are ready to begin life anew.)

Some parents get so caught up in their own feelings of grief and loss that they forget that for children, everything is so much bigger and so much more intense. Children feel absolutely helpless and powerless, because they have no part in making any of the decisions that profoundly affect their life.

It is important for the family to grieve together, but the parents must make sure that they are not dumping their own feelings of fear, insecurity, anger and blame onto their children. Parents (or other adults such as yourself) can minimize the affects of divorce on children if they are willing to just listen to the children and reassure them honestly and sincerely that they will continue to be loved and supported in every way.

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