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THE PAIN OF HEARTBREAK

Question: "I recently ended a long-term relationship and my ex-partner is taking the break up very hard. He seems to have lost all confidence in himself and has even threatened to take his own life. How can I help him through this without compromising my decision to leave? What will help him to get out of this depression and feel happy again? He is a great person and I want him to see that the end of this relationship doesn't change that."

Psychic Advice : Breaking up is very difficult because it involves hurting someone whom you care about and love, or whom you once loved. When love is created, it can never be destroyed, it is merely transformed. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to honor yourself and your own truth by ending a relationship that is not working for you. Many people stay in relationships that are not working because of fear of pain: either the fear of causing the other person pain, or the fear of their own pain and aloneness. You have followed your own heart which has led you to let go, and that is essentially the most loving thing you could do for yourself and for your partner, because it is not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where you do not feel you belong.

Many people wait until the relationship becomes so painful and unbearable that there is no other choice but to end it, but by then, it has become so bitter and ugly that there is no love or kindness remaining, which is terribly painful for all concerned. It is actually more challenging to end a relationship in the loving way that you are doing, because you must simply trust your heart to know that the relationship is complete. Ending relationships is always painful, whether it ends bitterly or lovingly; bitterness and resentment only add to the pain, but ending it with kindness, compassion and caring is always the higher path.

No matter how loving and kind you are, there is no way to avoid hurting the person you break up with, and your partner is now suffering from the pain of heartbreak and rejection. He is feeling unlovable and that there must be something wrong with him that caused you to leave. You must let him know that just because he is not Mr. Right for you, that does not make him Mr. Wrong - he will be the right man for the right woman.

He is experiencing the pain of loss, which is very acute when it first occurs and tends to lessen as time passes. Time does heal all wounds, but it does not heal the scars. A breakup is like a death, and he is experiencing grief. It is the death of the relationship, and it can feel like the death of love itself. He is talking about suicide because he is afraid of the depth of pain that he is feeling, he is also afraid that it will never go away, and he is afraid that he could not handle a repeat of such pain again in the future. This is ultimately what suicide is about - the fear of pain and the desire for change.

Humans are designed to feel deeply, and these emotional experiences cause our soul to grow and evolve. The essence of heartbreak is that it causes the heart to break open, increasing its capacity for love and its depth of compassion. We grow stronger, deeper and wiser through our painful experiences, but it takes courage to keep the heart open once it has been wounded. Most people want to armor their heart, or close it altogether after it has been hurt, but this prevents the possibility of feeling love again, and it also stops the vital flow of energy in the body (which also stops the flow of abundance and intuition, and can lead to physical ailments of the heart and vital organs over time).

You can help him to heal his heart and to keep it open by continuing to love him and support him emotionally through this painful time - if he will allow you to. Don’t' simply give him the "it's not you, it's me" line, but take the time to explain to him how you feel about him and about yourself. I would suggest that you write him a letter so that he can reread it. Write down all the things that first attracted you to him, and all the qualities that caused you to become more and more attracted to him over time. Also, tell him in the kindest possible way all the things that became less attractive and caused your feelings about him to change - do this very gently, but be honest so that he can recognize some things that he might want to work on and change for the future. It may be that he became clingy, needy and dependent, and thereby lost some of the qualities that initially attracted you to him.

I would also suggest that you write down how you have grown and changed throughout your time together, and that you are no longer the same person who entered that relationship. Write down all that he taught you, all of the moments and memories you will always treasure, all of the gifts he gave you (not only material gifts, but also spiritual and emotional gifts). Tell him everything that you've enjoyed about him, and about being in relationship with him. Tell him why you feel and believe that he is a great guy, and that you will always hold him in your heart. Tell him also that you are willing to support him to heal from this wound in any way you can, and tell him that you are hurting too, and that you have been hurting for some time leading up to taking this step.

You cannot make someone else happy, they have to choose happiness for themselves, but you can love and support them where they are right now. You cannot help someone out of depression - it is a hole that a person digs one thought at a time. You can, however, help him to see himself in the way that you see him, and to see his reflection in your loving and caring eyes. Remember to tell him what you wrote to me: "he is a great person and the end of this relationship doesn't change that." You are not, in fact, rejecting him, but you are ending the relationship because it has completed its purpose for your soul.

He has become dependent on you for his sense of worth and value, and is feeling that he must not be worth anything since you discarded him. He must use this opportunity to discover his own true identity and to find out what he really wants for himself and his life. He is now in the dark tunnel of pain that seems never ending, so you must remind him that there is a light and life ahead, and that light and goal is what he needs to focus on to get him through this time. You must remind him that you are not that light for him, and he must not hold a torch for you.

It would also help him to be involved in physical activity. Being physical moves energy, allowing it to flow and release, and also raises endorphin levels, which elevate mood. Physical activity also helps to boost self-esteem and self-confidence. Encourage him to get involved in groups where he could meet new people, like a biking/hiking/walking group, or he could join a tennis/golf club, etc. He needs to change his old routine, because the old patterns involved you and will only leave him feeling a sense of emptiness and loneliness without you.

He is afraid of change and fearing the future because he feels that he has no control over this decision that is essentially changing his life, and changing his identity. Change is inevitable, and resisting change only perpetuates and intensifies pain. He can choose to let this be a true transformation, as it is for you, but you have no power over his choices, just as he has no power over yours.


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