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THE FAMILY THAT GRIEVES TOGETHER,
STAYS TOGETHER

Question: "When you lose an immediate member of your family to a tragedy, how does a family stay together? Why do so many families break apart afterwards when it's clear everyone needs each other even more?"

Psychic Advice : My sympathies go out to you and your loved ones. When loss or tragedy strikes, some families band together, some families pull apart, and some fall apart. Every person deals with grief in different ways, and some people don't want to deal with it at all.

Grief is probably the most difficult thing to bear in life, yet it is something that each person will have to face at one time or another, for one reason or another. Most people don't want to even think of it, so they push it away by pushing away those who are grieving. Grief has a life of its own, and a rhythm of its own. It is an emotional roller coaster ride that runs the full spectrum of emotions: one moment you can be sobbing, then laughing, then angry, sometimes all triggered by the same incident.

People who have difficulty feeling or acknowledging their emotions (men in particular), will often try to sweep it all under the rug, and may go into tremendous denial. This is very detrimental when it comes to grief, because those emotions do not just go away by themselves unless they are somehow expressed, felt and released. Emotions that remain unexpressed create blocked energy in the body that can lead to disease, particularly ailments related to the heart.

People who choose to remain in denial over their grief will often push other people away, especially those who would remind them of their grief. This is why some family members will withdraw, because coming together reminds them of what they have lost, which forces them to feel their own pain and loss.

If the majority of the family is in emotional denial, it will often fall to one member of the family to play the role of the "feeler" - this is the "overly sensitive" one who feels everything for the family. I suspect that you are the one who plays that role in your family (as I am in mine). This creates an even heavier burden for you, because you are not only feeling the depth of your own grief, but you are also feeling the feelings for everyone else in your family, and because they don't want to feel anything at all, they may stay away from you so they are not affected by your emotions. In essence, it is easier for them if you bear the emotional burden of the family, because they don't have to feel their emotions as long as you are willing to do it for them.

Another major aspect of death, grieving and tragedy that often destroys families is the energy of blame, rage, anger, bitterness and resentment. It seems to be much easier for people to channel their emotions into these areas rather than to feel the depth of their pain. The pain of grief cuts to the core of one's being, and leaves one feeling helpless and powerless. Expressing feelings of anger and blame gives a person a greater sense of control, and also pushes people away, which may feel safer. When some animals are wounded, they often retreat into isolation because they feel vulnerable. When they are faced with something approaching them, they often react viciously in order to protect themselves by not showing that they are vulnerable. Humans can act the same way.

Bitterness, blame and resentment can arise in times of loss for many reasons. Sometimes people feel angry toward the person who died, but they feel guilty for feeling that way, so they direct their feelings of blame and anger elsewhere, often toward other members of the family, or toward anyone who may have been involved in any way in the person's death, or in settling their affairs thereafter.

In cases where tragedy is the cause of loss, the level of shock can be so great as to cause members of the family to completely fall apart, or the family to disintegrate entirely. Losing a loved one to suicide, murder, or violent death, or the sudden loss of a child, can have this kind of effect where the survivors' faith and strength are truly tested. Death is never easy to deal with or heal from, but in cases where there is severe trauma, it can be utterly devastating to those who are left behind.

After someone who is dear to you dies, your values can change dramatically. Things that were once important to you don't seem to mean anything any longer, while things that once seemed not to matter suddenly become compelling. This can especially apply to the possessions of the person we've lost - suddenly even the most mundane things can become treasures to cherish as we want to hold onto those things in an attempt to hold onto the spirit and memory of the person we loved. Families can get into bitter disputes over such possessions, which can drive them further apart. Also, the personal effects of a loved one can trigger all kinds of memories for everyone, turning these articles into emotional landmines.

In essence, how a family deals with emotions themselves determines how a family responds to each other in all facets of life and death. A family who often comes together to celebrate life will often come together in times of loss or difficulty. Death will rarely bring a divided family together, unless the deceased person was the root of the family division.

You cannot force people to come together if they do not want to, or if they are avoiding the feelings or memories that being with the family triggers for them. All you can do is pray for healing for them and for you. You can ask for what you need from members of your family, but be aware that they may not be capable of giving you what you need for their own reasons that have nothing to do with you or your worthiness. You can turn to friends to give you the love and support that you need, but keep in mind that sometimes friends don't know what to say when you are in such pain, so they either choose to say nothing, or often say the wrong thing because they may not have the compassion of knowing what the pain of such loss feels like.

You may find it most helpful to seek out a new "family", one that can support you in what you are feeling and going through because they have been through it, or are going through it. You can turn to grief counselors who specialize in understanding the nature of grief, and how it affects individuals as well as their families. You may also consider connecting with other "sisters" and "brothers" who are grieving by joining a grief support group. Your local hospice or church could direct you to such groups or counselors, or there may even be groups and chat rooms of this kind on the Internet - perhaps others who have experienced similar tragedy or circumstances to what you and your family are going through.

You are not alone in your pain, but it can feel like you are. Death is a part of life, and it can and will change your life. If you are really willing to deal with it and heal from it, it becomes a rite of passage that stretches and evolves your heart and soul, giving you even greater strength and courage to face life.

Continue to love your family through this painful experience, even if they are not capable of giving you the love that you need at this time for whatever reason. Forgive them for how they are choosing to deal with the situation, and know that you have the power of choice as to whether you allow their behavior to make your own pain worse or not. Do whatever you can to get the support you need in your own healing, and do not keep trying to get water from a dry well by seeking what you need from family members who cannot give it to you. Find another well that will fill your heart and soul, whether it is with friends, support groups, counselors, or even faith itself.

I send you many blessings for your healing, and my heart goes out to you as your sister in grief and loss.

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