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FAMILY CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Question: "My husband, his father and sister have been fighting with his Mom and other sister. They haven't spoken for 7 months now. His Mom has not seen our kids or us. He went to her house to pick up some things of his which she wanted out - they got into a verbal fight, she started hitting his dad, my husband yelled then she slapped him.

My husband now has some health issues and she called acting like nothing is wrong. She asked to have him call her when he finds out what is going on with him, then she hung up on me. Should he speak to her or stick to his guns? I can't stand her at this point. Can you help?"

Answer: The family dynamics involved in your situation are complex, but the answer is simple. It is so simple that it will probably provoke anger because you are already so upset. You have every right to be upset under the circumstances, but that anger is not making life any better for you, for your husband, or for your children. The answer to your question is LOVE.

Love is our purpose for coming to Earth (Earth is Heart, if we put the "H" of Heart first instead of last). Before we incarnate on Earth, everything in spirit is love and bliss because we know that we are all one and connected to All That Is, therefore we love All That Is, as we love ourselves. When we incarnate into the physical, we experience the illusion of separation. Our physical bodies appear to separate us from one another and from spirit, but we are all the same at heart.

We come into the physical to learn to love each other and transcend the illusion of separation. We receive love from those who have love to give us, but more importantly, it is up to us to teach love to those who don't have it to give, or don't know how to give or receive love. When we come into a particular family, we assume that they are supposed to love us, but if they don't know how to love, then we came to teach them and give love to them. It is no fault of ours if they were not willing to receive it.

Many people, especially children, who encounter a lack of love, often take it as personal rejection rather than realizing that the other person simply cannot give what they do not have. We must not withdraw our love from those who act in loveless ways, rather, it is up to us to teach them what love is by giving it to them, and by showing them love by being the living example of it.

Love can be challenging enough in our own families of origin, but it can become infinitely more complicated once we marry and our family circle expands to incorporate many other family dynamics. It is obvious that you are so upset with your mother-in-law because of how much you love your husband and your children, and you don't want to see them hurt. But it is important to understand that people only lash out at others, like your husband's mother did, because they themselves are in pain. Maintaining the energy of anger will only prolong pain for everyone involved.

I sense that your mother-in-law is really hurt by the division that has occurred in her family (just as you are), and she is responding to it by further separating herself from those who have hurt her. People often cut themselves off from those they love for many reasons: to punish others for having hurt them; to distance themselves from future pain because they don't trust others who've hurt them before not to do it again; out of righteousness; or to "cut off their nose to spite their face", as my mother used to say, meaning that they hurt themselves by distancing themselves from others because they've been hurt.

It feels to me that your mother-in-law is really upset at your husband's father, and the family seems to be taking sides, with your husband and his one sister on his father's side, and his mother and other sister on the other side. The separation in the family is creating a massive conflict that is hurting everyone, and affecting your husband's health. Your mother-in-law called to ask about your husband's health because she loves him and cares about his wellbeing. She acted like there is nothing wrong because she feels guilty, but she is being defensive and doesn't want to admit to doing anything wrong. She could sense in your voice that you were upset about what she'd done, so she hung up on you rather than having to face her issues.

The way to keep a conflict going is for each party to maintain that they are right. Ultimately, each person is right for him/herself, but to become righteous about it only maintains opposing positions, which leads to power struggle. Two rights don't fix a wrong. If your husband "sticks to his guns", then those guns are just waiting to be used in a shoot-out at the NOT-OK corral. The only way to end a war or conflict is to make peace and accept each other's differences - agree to disagree without judgment.

You need to take the high road here and forgive your mother-in-law for hurting your husband. Forgiveness does not require an apology. You can rise above the situation and see that she is hurting and feeling alone, even if it is of her own creation. Your husband stepped into a battle between his mother and his father, and he got hit. There are other ways he could have chosen to handle the situation rather than yelling at her, which only escalates anger by feeding the fire.

No one is to blame, and no one is at fault, because blame only perpetuates anger and conflict. Emotions are running high on all sides, and the one emotion that is missing here is love, yet all of this conflict is arising out of love, and the loss of love. Therefore, love is the answer and the antidote to the poison of bitterness that is harming your family.

It is time to rise above old conflicts, heal and forgive old wounds, and make peace with family and loved ones. Your husband needs all the love he can get in order to support him in his healing process. Health issues can arise from a battle within, from inner conflict where there is a lack of flow and harmony in the body resulting from a lack of harmony in the environment. Maintaining peace and love, and reducing harm, can restore the flow of health and harmony. Good health exists at the higher frequencies of love, joy and peace, while the lower frequencies of anger, rage, bitterness, resentment, etc., lower the immune system and leave the body prone to attack and disease.

Be aware that your mother-in-law may not know how to love properly, and you should not judge her for that, but rather teach her what love is by loving her, and show her love by your example. She cannot give what she does not have, so it may be up to you and your husband to give love to her so she can give it back to you and others. She may be afraid of receiving love, and may reject it, but do not take this personally as a rejection of you. Children so often take this kind of rejection to heart, but many people are afraid of the pure, unconditional love that children bring, because that light shining on them causes them to have to face their own fears and their own shadow. This may be one reason that your mother-in-law is avoiding contact with your young children. Do not be angry at her for fearing love, but try to have compassion and forgiveness for her.

You can try to bring peace to the family by ending the separation, and perhaps creating an invitation to get together. If this is rejected, do not take that personally, simply accept that they may not be ready for love yet, but don't stop loving them. Sometimes, creating a bit of distance for a time can be healing, as long as it is not fraught with bitterness and judgment. If love holds the space open, then absence can make the heart grow fonder. The family may be better off loving from a distance, at least for a while, but instead of allowing anger to widen the chasm, continue to build a bridge of love between all parties.

Old conflicts require new solutions and resolutions, and unconditional love follows the tenet of "live and let live". No one lives forever, and what is not resolved in this life follows you into the next life. We are all seeking peace and love in all our human relationships, and once we achieve that, we are truly free.

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