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When being cute isn't cute

Question: "I have a problem with the relationship with my girlfriend. I am attracted to her views on life, her ability to be independent and not clingy, and her intelligence. The problem is, I am not attracted to her physically very much. Also, the way she acts in the relationship (cutesy wutesy) is just not my ... style. I feel like I want to end it, but I care for her enough that I do not want to hurt her feelings. I do not know what to do."

Psychic Advice : There are different levels and degrees of compatibility and chemistry that make up all of our relationships in life. Relationships that are based on shared values, mutual respect and friendship are those that endure through the ups and downs of life, while relationships that are based solely on physical attraction often fade over time as physical appearances naturally change through life. Of course, it is possible to have both, and you need to ask yourself what you truly want in a relationship in order to allow yourself to have it all.

Physical attraction is often what first draws us to another person, but it quickly fades if there is no further compatibility or chemical connection. Relationships are really like cooking up a recipe: you need to choose what you want to create based on what ingredients you know you like, and how much spice you want in it to appeal to your taste.

I would imagine that at first, there was some degree of physical attraction that drew you to want to get to know this woman more deeply, and then you were attracted to the depth that you saw underneath that. Unfortunately, you have been turned off by her insecurity. When someone acts cutesy, it is because they are trying to be lovable, and they don't feel secure in the lovability of who they truly are. She is putting on an act out of neediness for love, attention and affection, but this act does not work for you and is actually repelling you.

Many people make the mistake in relationships of putting on an act, a mask, or playing a role to try to please the other person. This is because they believe that they are not lovable as they truly are, and they feel the need to try to be somebody else. The "cutesy" act is a common one; have you ever noticed that babies and baby animals are usually very cute? This is designed by nature to make them more attractive and more lovable to their parents or caretakers, because their very survival depends on them being loved and cared for (when we choose a puppy or a kitten, we tend to choose the one we find to be the cutest). A person will play this cutesy role to try to express and receive love, but it is an immature and childish approach. You want to have a relationship with an empowered woman, not with a needy child.

Perhaps you have not been too warm or affectionate with her, and she is trying to soften you up a bit by playing cute? Perhaps you have been keeping the relationship at an intellectual level, which is creating distance emotionally and physically, and she is trying to be "lovey dovey" to get closer to you? The catch-22 here is that the more she plays cute to try to get affection from you, the more it pushes you away, making you more and more emotionally unavailable. Women tend to be stimulated by feelings of an emotional connection, which make them feel safe to open themselves to physical intimacy. Your emotional withdrawal may be causing her to shut down her sexual energy, making her less physically attractive to you.
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The problem with playing a role and putting on an act is that it is inauthentic, and therefore gives authentic power away, making it impossible for you to love the real her, because she is not being her real self. You were attracted to the authentically empowered person that you met at first, and you want to encourage her to be herself, because that is how she is most attractive and lovable to you.

I would suggest that you be honest and direct with her - not yet about wanting to end the relationship, but speak to her about what you want the relationship to be like. Hold her hand, look into her eyes and tell her all that you love and admire about her. Tell her that you respect and admire her intelligence and independence, and that you find that far more attractive than her playing cute, which is actually downplaying her intelligence and turning you off. Tell her that you want a mature relationship, and a meeting of the minds. You are not trying to change her, but you want her to be the woman that you were initially attracted to, and that she should be her true self and stop the act of trying to be lovable in a way that is not authentic. Tell her that she is lovable as she truly is, and does not need to put on an act.

Tell her all the things that you find sexy and attractive about her. If there are things that would make her more physically attractive to you, explore what those might be. Perhaps you want to buy her some new clothes or lingerie, or go shopping with her. Perhaps it might be about trying out some new activities together, because maybe things have become a bit stagnant or stale in your relationship (this is very common once the excitement of a new relationship wears off). Try first to re-light the fire before you decide to set up camp somewhere else.

Give her the chance to meet your needs, and make the effort to meet hers as well, because her cutesiness is a call for attention and affection. Express to her what your needs are in a way that does not criticize or hurt her. Tell her what you love about her, what you enjoy about the relationship, and what you want to focus more time and energy on doing or trying together. Then tell her what is not working for you, but say it in a way that tells her what would work instead and why you would find that more attractive. Hold her hand so she can feel the caring and connection from you, and offer to make the changes together, so it sounds like an exciting invitation for more enjoyment as a couple in the future.

If she chooses to feel hurt, tell her that you are not saying these things to hurt or criticize her, but that you see a wonderful woman in her who has many qualities that you respect and admire, and that you want to support her to be her authentic self, so that you can genuinely love the person that she is. Tell her that this is not about trying to please you, which would be giving her power away, but that you are attracted to her most when she is in her full power and pleased with herself.

It is better to be honest and give the relationship a real chance, than to simply end it without ever telling her what happened. If you find that you are still not feeling that chemical and physical attraction with her once she regains her power, then be honest with her and let her know that you value her friendship, that you love talking to her and being with her, but that she feels more like a dear friend than a lover to you. You have a good level of compatibility, so try maintain a lifelong friendship with her, Tell her that you really don't want to hurt her, but that you care about her enough to want to be honest with her about your feelings. Above all, DO NOT be so honest as to tell her that you are not physically attracted to her. This will scar a person for life, especially someone who is already insecure.

You really have the basis for a strong relationship, if you can reignite a spark between you. Friendship is the most important component of a loving relationship, and is the foundation that lifelong relationships are built upon. Give this relationship some time to change for the better after you speak your truth, then if your feelings don't change, it will be time for you to end the relationship gently.

In this life, you can have it all, but you must ask for what you want. Get clear about what you really want for yourself, for your life, and for your relationships, then ask for it. You deserve to have it all, and so does your girlfriend. Staying in a relationship that you are not enjoying is not fair to you, or to her; but you must have the courage and the courtesy to tell her how you are feeling and give her the chance to address those feelings, and to tell you how she is feeling as well. You are both intelligent people, so give each other the benefit of your honesty with kindness and compassion, so you can both be your authentic selves, genuinely enjoying life and each other. Ultimately, love is the most important thing in a relationship, so if you find you cannot love her for who she really is, then set her free.

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