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Free Weekly Syndicated
Advice Columns
Published Every Wednesday Afternoon (PST)
The roots of self-doubt
and building self-esteem
Question: "Where does self-doubt come from?"
Psychic Advice : Each of us has natural talents, gifts and abilities, which, if allowed to develop and flourish, we can excel at, and be very successful with in our lives. These are the areas in which we will find our true joy and our true sense of purpose, prosperity and accomplishment. These are the cornerstones that build the foundation of our lives, of our selves and of our identity.
However, our present society has a tendency to want to build a "well-rounded" individual, so our schooling system tends to chip away at these corners in order to make us round like everyone else. These corners represent our individuality, and some people are so unique as to be able to survive the rounding out process with their corners intact, but they will often be made to feel like a square peg in a round hole, not fitting in. They will have a tendency to feel ostracized, judged or rejected for being different and unique.
Such children may come to believe that they are somehow wrong or bad because they don't fit in, and are not like everyone else. But no one is like everyone else, because we are all completely unique, like a snowflake. No two snowflakes are alike, yet each one is perfectly beautiful - this is the power and magnificence of our creation, and we are each created to be a uniquely beautiful and perfect snowflake in our own right.
If a child is treated by parents and teachers with respect for his/her own individual gifts, talents, abilities, personality and identity, and if those individual qualities are praised, supported and nurtured, then that child will survive childhood with its identity and self-esteem intact. Unfortunately, this is not the case for most people.
Most children go through their childhood being judged and criticized for everything they do, being taught that there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything, and even a right and wrong way to be. In many cases, they are not praised for the things they've done well, but all the focus and attention is given to apparent faults or flaws. We tell ourselves as parents and educators that we are doing this to better the child, so they can improve in these areas of flaws and imperfections, but a child's sole desire is to please and gain approval. When children are told that they are wrong or bad, they believe that this refers to who they are, not merely to what they've done. If they hear this kind of criticism frequently, it becomes a negative reinforcement that creates a potentially lifelong identity of self-judgment and self-doubt.
We are born in the image of our divine Creator, which is perfect, just as everything is in Creation. Babies are beings of pure divine love: unconditional love and acceptance. They are innocent, whole and pure, with their own mission and life purpose, and their own true identity.
Rather than looking at a baby or a child and seeing the divine in them, or looking for their true identity, most people look at a baby trying to see any resemblance to its parents, grandparents, or other relatives. We think this is because we want to feel a kinship, likeness and family connection with this child, but really, we are looking to project our own image onto the child right from the beginning. We tend to want to lay claim to the positive traits and attributes we see in that child as coming from ourselves, and to deny, reject or blame the potentially less desirable traits and attributes as coming from someone else in the family.
Instead of recognizing the divine perfection of a child, and recognizing that this is a great soul in a tiny body who has come for its own great purpose, we diminish children, feeling that adults are superior as the teachers and givers, while children are inferior as the students and receivers. We tend to adhere to the belief that these roles play out only in that one direction. However, the truth is that children come to teach us, heal us and give to us, but we are often unwilling to receive that, because it would mean relinquishing control, and shifting our own identity.
When we look at a baby or a child and see anything other than the presence of divine love, we are projecting our own image onto that child, and seeing our own flaws, judging our own inadequacies. Children come into our lives to heal us by reflecting back to us those things we judge in ourselves and others.
Children are completely flexible and malleable, like clay that we mold into whatever image we choose to create. They will often play out repeating patterns for us from our own childhood so we can heal these issues, which is why parents often find themselves taking on the same roles and patterns of behavior that their own parents had. What we judge, we become, and this role reversal allows us the opportunity to gain compassion for our own parents by understanding how they felt, allowing us to then forgive them. Once we forgive our parents for how they treated us, we break the pattern, allowing ourselves to parent differently, which allows our children to play out new roles as well.
Children will take on whatever role or identity we need them to play for us. This is why a child will act differently depending on whom they are with, and this is why even children who are adopted take on family traits and act them out. A child will start behaving like the other members of the family or the people around them, believing that in order to be liked and accepted, there must be a likeness so there will be a feeling of belonging. In fact, their very survival depends on being loved and accepted.
Children just want to please, because they come to believe that being loved is conditional on pleasing others. They react to our actions, and respond to our energies, thoughts, judgments and emotions. They will take on the labels that we place on them, and they will live up to our expectations of them, or down to our expectations of them, as the case may be.
The problem is that children will take on these labels and start to believe that is their identity, believing that is who they are, when really, these labels were projections of others placed on them. That label will stick unless that child or person at some point in life starts to explore who they truly are, and what their true identity is. In order to shed such labels and personalities, we need to look at what the belief is that we hold about ourselves, and where that belief came from.
A great part of a parent's role is to teach their children, and part of that job involves correcting them, but parents must do so in a way that is encouraging without making their children feel stupid, wrong or bad - it is absolutely critical not to be critical. When dealing with children, remember that praise is what builds healthy self-esteem, while competition, criticism and judgment can be very detrimental to their identity.
Children who believe they are bad go on to do bad things, and believe that they are not worthy of having good in their lives because this is not part of their identity or belief system. Most "bad kids" only behave badly because that is the label that has been given to them, so they seek out other "bad kids" in order to have a sense of belonging. They then try to be really good at being bad in order to be liked and accepted by the other "bad kids".
When we teach our children our own beliefs and judgments about right and wrong, good and bad, it is essential that we separate the behavior from their identity. If we say, "You are a bad girl/boy" we are making a statement of identity, about who they ARE. If we speak of the behavior as being bad, telling them that what they have done is not acceptable in our belief system, then they will come to understand that it is that particular behavior that is being judged and rejected, not them. They will then come to judge that behavior as being bad, and because they want to please and be good, they will not do it anymore, as long as they get positive reinforcement and attention for being good.
We take on the voices of our parents and teachers in our own mind, taking on their beliefs and judgments, and seeing life and ourselves through their perspective. If we have received a great deal of support and encouragement in our lives, we are more likely to have a positive sense of ourselves, with our confidence and self-esteem intact. If we have received a great deal of criticism and judgment in our lives, then we are likely to develop self-doubt and insecurity that cripples our sense of who we are and what we can accomplish in life.
Unfortunately, self-esteem can be eroded at any time in life by constant criticism coming from those we love, admire and respect, if we allow ourselves to take on that belief about ourselves. However, we can also develop self-esteem and confidence at any time in our lives, if we are willing to let go of other people's judgments and beliefs about us, and see ourselves in our true light. It is much easier to destroy self-esteem and self-confidence than it is to rebuild it, but it is possible. It is just like with a house or building: you can destroy it with dynamite or a wrecking ball in one day, but in order to build it, you must build a foundation, a structure, the edifice and interior one step at a time. So it is with self-confidence and self-esteem.
First you must build the foundation by recognizing that you were created in the image of divine love, and you are whole and complete in the essence of yourself. Then, you must place the cornerstones of your life, by claiming what your gifts, talents and abilities are, and choose to build your life upon your strengths. You need to decide what you want your life to look like and feel like, who you want to be and what identity you want the world to see. You can choose to project a facade, but it is always best to claim your true identity and show that to the world, even if it is different from everyone and everything else.
You must accept that you cannot and will not please everyone, and there will always be people who judge and criticize who you are and what you do. The key is that your survival does not depend on their acceptance, but it does depend on your own acceptance and love of yourself. Your life depends on how you see yourself, because the sense you have of yourself determines your self-worth and value, which determines what kind of life you will allow yourself to have and what you will allow yourself to achieve.
When you build the edifice of your new life and your true self, make sure you are building it to be strong, to withstand storms from outside, and that the environment you create within is comfortable for you, with the elements that make you happy. You are not building your new self in order to please others, but when you are pleased with the person that you are, then you will attract others of like mind and heart who enjoy being in your space. Make sure that the life you are building is fully functional for you, providing you with everything you need in order to feel successful, prosperous, proud and joyful.
As an adult, only you can truly build yourself up, and only you can allow others to tear you down. Once you get clear about who you really are, what your true strengths, talents and abilities are, and what belief systems are truly yours, then you can build your life upon the foundation of your true self, which is perfectly divine. In this way, you will be able to carry out your mission and purpose in life, without the obstacles and hindrances of other people's projections, judgments and expectations that you took on as your own.
You are the "I" in identity, so whenever you say the words "I am" you are making a statement about WHO YOU ARE to the world and to yourself. Take time to get clear about who you truly are by peeling away the illusions of other people's labels and projections onto you, then get clear about who you choose to be. You are who and what you believe you are.
Ultimately, the way we speak to children and to ourselves either builds self-esteem or self-doubt. If we use words of praise and encouragement with ourselves and with others, then we strengthen self-esteem, but if our words are critical or judgmental, then it is self-doubt that we are promoting.
On a final note, family dynamics are a major contributing factor to self-doubt, but karmic issues from past incarnations we shared together can further complicate the situation. We can hold feelings and judgments toward another person based on experiences we had with them from other lifetimes that we may not be aware of consciously, but which drive our lives unconsciously. Self-doubt can also be a repeating pattern from past lives where we judged ourselves as inadequate, inferior, incapable, or believed that we had somehow failed.
The key to true self-esteem is to recognize ourselves as divine beings, and to embrace and forgive our quirks and flaws that make us unique (like the inclusions in a crystal that cause rainbows within it). If we forgive ourselves and others, and see the perfection of the divine in ourselves and those around us, then we release this plague of self-doubt (which is essentially lack of faith). In this way, we become fully empowered, and can then create anything we choose in this life.
Copyright ©2006 Grace & Grace Associates Consulting, Inc. All Rights Reserved
"Responsibility is power. You have the power of choice.
You are always responsible for the choices you make and the actions you take."
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