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Advice Columns
Published Every Wednesday Afternoon (PST)
Separation: TIME TO KNOW YOURSELF
Question: "Right now I am separated from my husband. The marriage wasn't bad but I was really unhappy for years and finally had to make the decision to take a step back and see why I was unhappy and what it will take to make me happy, whether with him or without. I know I haven't felt the love for him that a wife should, but I am still unsure of my decision to leave, not sure if it's based out of fear of the unknown or an actual desire to stay. How will I know I've made the right decision? And there is someone I've developed feelings for, how do I know it's real and not infatuation? I just don't trust my instincts anymore for fear of hurting, or hurting someone else. Any advice would be helpful."
Psychic Advice : True joy and fulfillment do not come from things outside of ourselves. No one can make us happy, only we can choose to be happy, and conversely, no one can make us unhappy, it is our choices and responses that make us unhappy. Taking this time of separation and taking a step back to be with yourself in order to know what you truly feel is a wise choice. Your truth always dwells within you, and is best accessed in quiet stillness, where you can connect with yourself and with your true feelings. In that time, you must be willing to spend as much time alone with yourself as possible, and do not focus on someone new, because this will only serve as a distraction from discovering what you truly want for yourself in all areas of your life.
Take the time to make peace with yourself and for yourself. Sometimes people lose themselves in long-term relationships and need space and time alone to reconnect with themselves. One way to connect with your own inner guidance in order to know what path is true for you is to close your eyes and imagine yourself making a particular choice (like leaving your relationship), then feel what it feels like in your heart - if you feel peace, comfort or joy, then it is the right choice for you; if you feel fear, discomfort, or sorrow, then it might not be the best choice for you.
Of course, whenever we let go of someone we love, there will always be pain and loss on both sides, so imagine yourself in the future, perhaps one year from now, having made the choice to leave - how do you feel in your life a year from now? Imagine yourself one year from now if you stay in the relationship - how does that feel? Now imagine yourself making other changes and other choices for yourself, and visualize yourself doing each of them now and in the future, to see how they feel. If you feel comfort, peace and joy within yourself, then that is the right choice for you.
This is a time to begin a new relationship with yourself, but it is not the time to be focusing on a new man just yet. This man has come into your life to make you aware that you have not been feeling satisfied or fulfilled. It is a call for you to examine yourself and your life to see what you really want in all areas, and to inspire you take the steps that you need to take in order to create what you want. However, new relationships or infatuations can be a tremendous distraction from connecting with yourself to know what is true for you, because they give the illusion that what you want and what will make you happy is outside of yourself.
Newness is always exciting, and new relationships or infatuations trigger endorphins and other chemicals to be released in the brain, creating a feeling of being high. These chemicals are drugs that make you feel good, but this high wears off after a time when the newness subsides. The way to know whether this man is right for you or not is to know what you truly want for your life. Take some time to write down the kind of lifestyle that you want to have, the things you love to do by yourself and with others, the qualities that you want in a man and in a relationship. Take your time to make these lists, because they are a key to finding out who you really are now and what makes you happy.
Once these lists are complete, see what you can start to do now that will create joy for yourself, and do those things. Doing things for yourself that you enjoy will make you happy, and will help clarify how you really feel about your marriage. Look at the list of qualities that you want in a man, in a relationship, and in the lifestyle you want to live, and see how many of those qualities fit your husband, and also how many fit the man that you are attracted to. This will help you to clearly know what you want, and what you don't want for yourself.
There are many different forms of love. Love in a marriage is not always the type of Hollywood romance that we see in movies; romance is exciting, but it is not always about love. You will always love your husband - where love is created, it can never be destroyed, merely transformed. No one can really say how a wife "should" love her husband - the love of friendship and support is often the most enduring form of love within a marriage. However, if you are not fulfilled or satisfied in your life, then only you can take the steps to change that. When you follow your truth all that is no longer true for you falls away. Letting go can be painful, but honoring your truth is ultimately the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for those you love and care about.
People grow and change over time, and in relationship, if we are not growing together, then we will tend to grow apart. Like attracts like, and the people that we attract into our lives are resonating at the same wavelength and frequency that we are on at that particular time. These relationships serve to help us grow, but as we grow and evolve, we can outgrow those relationships if the other person has not grown with us, so that we are no longer on the same wavelength.
Often, we think that a relationship has to be really bad in order to justify a separation, but if it is no longer resonating with who you are and who you choose to be, and that other person is not ready or wanting to change, then you must take the steps that you feel are necessary to change your life and to make yourself happy. Remember that the road to happiness leads within, and that is where you must begin the journey to find your true joy.
Copyright ©2005 Grace & Grace Associates Consulting, Inc. All Rights Reserved
"Responsibility is power. You have the power of choice.
You are always responsible for the choices you make and the actions you take."
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