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Ex at the WEDDING

Question : "My fiancE and I are planning a small intimate family wedding. He told me he wants to invite his ex-wife, the mother of his two children (ages 10 and 14) who will be in the wedding party. He contends that she is the mother of his children and should be present for the ceremony. He said he would feel guilty if he didn't invite her, since she would miss seeing her children in the wedding. I feel very strongly that she shouldn't be invited. I have told him this and he thinks that I am overreacting. I feel that he is being inconsiderate of my feelings by putting her feelings before mine. I have called off the wedding planning until we resolve this. Am I overreacting? Is it normal for a person to invite their ex-spouse to their wedding? Is there any middle ground?"

Psychic Advice : Your wedding is definitely one of the most important and memorable days of your life. A wedding is a celebration of the love and life-long union of two people, and it is also about joining together as a family. You have every right to want your wedding day to be special for you, but the disagreement that you are having with your soon-to-be-husband is a test of your relationship and how you handle conflict.

When you marry someone who has children, you are not just marrying that person, you are creating an instant family. Unless that person is widowed, you are also going to be dealing with the other parent of those children for as long as you are married and as long as that parent is alive. Like it or not, that other person is part of the equation. How you deal with the ex will impact the happiness and wellbeing of your marriage, as well as the happiness and wellbeing of the children - perhaps for the rest of their lives.

It is not normal for a person to invite their ex-spouse to their wedding, but in an ideal world, it would be. The fact that your fiancé has a good relationship with his ex-wife indicates that he has done a great deal of healing since their divorce. This bodes well for your marriage because it means that he has grown spiritually and emotionally, has developed compassion for her feelings, and is now willing to have an amicable, friendly partnership in the life-long co-parenting of their children. If you allow it, he can be your friend as well, but you must be willing to be a friend to him also by honoring the fact that he wants her to be there. Friendship creates the strongest foundation for love and marriage, because it means that throughout the good times and the tough times, you always have a friend at your side.

Find out what your fiancé is really feeling about inviting his ex-wife to the wedding. Does he really want her to be there as a friend of his, or is he inviting her simply because he would feel guilty if he didn't? If he wants her to be there as one of his friends, then it would be best for everyone if you could find a way to accept her as his friend, and perhaps consider developing a friendly relationship with her yourself. Having a good relationship with her will allow for harmony and co-operation in the raising of your step-children, and will make life much easier all around.

If he is inviting her out of guilt, then perhaps he has been too focused on trying to please her, and must now understand that your happiness on your wedding day is much more important for the two of you than her possible unhappiness. Guilt is not a good enough reason for having her there, and if that is the case, he can always have the wedding videotaped so she can see her children in the wedding party.

If he really wants his ex-wife to be there as one of his friends, you must try to open your heart to accept that. Love is one of the rare things that multiplies the more it is divided. Once love is created, it can never be destroyed, merely transformed. He will always be connected to her because of the children they share, and once you are married to him, you will also be connected to her. She is not a threat to you unless you make it so. Their marriage is over, and he is choosing to love and to marry you. Many people do not want their partners to have any relationship with their exes, but being able to carry on a friendship with your ex is a sign of spiritual and emotional maturity, whereas jealousy is a sign of insecurity.

Think of it this way: if she accepts to come to your wedding, she will be giving your marriage her blessing. It will be another level of letting go and releasing him to be with you. It will allow for a profound healing for everyone concerned, embracing the love that he now has for you. Her being at your wedding will be a challenge for her as well as for you, but it is not a competition for his love. You have already won, because he has chosen to marry you. You do not have to question how strong his love is for you. Having her there will show her and everyone how strong and secure your love is for him and his children.

You are not overreacting with regard to this difficult dilemma - you must honor your own feelings, because you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. I would suggest that you try to rise above this situation. Imagine yourself on your wedding day and see if you can find a way to accept her being there as part of your new family. See if you can open your heart to embrace her and the children, as well as the man you love, because they are part of him. If you find that you cannot envision this scenario without feeling upset, then tell your fiancé that you have really tried to honor his wishes to have his ex-wife there, but it is causing you such pain and anguish that you cannot see yourself enjoying your wedding with her attending.

Love takes strength and courage. It stretches the heart and soul. This is an opportunity for you to grow, and to allow your heart to grow and stretch to embrace more than just your fiancé, but to embrace his children, their mother, his friends and family as your own. There is always room for more love. When you face a challenge such as this, there is much at stake - there is much to lose and much to gain. If you open your heart to love, then everyone wins in the end, especially you.

Congratulations and best wishes for your wedding!


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