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CAN'T HURRY LOVE

Question: "I love your column. I am a self-aware connected person whose life is improving in many ways. There is, however, one key area in my life that continues to bring me painful lessons, and that is in the area of romantic relationships. I can't help but wonder how much of this has to do with not feeling loved and validated by my father as a child. I have done a lot of self-discovery work and yet still feel that I lose my power of choice when someone who is interested in me comes into my life. I wonder how people develop the ability to resist the temptation to jump into the comfort of relationship. I have had extended periods of being single, but have never learned how to take it slow, and frankly, I know better by now! Why are so many competent people fools for love?"

Psychic Advice : It is part of human nature to want to be loved and appreciated, especially by those who are closest to us. The feeling of being loved gives us a sense of safety, of comfort, and of our own worth. However, the most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship that you have with yourself. If you truly love and respect yourself, then you will attract others who love and respect you. Your outer relationships will all be a reflection of how you feel about yourself, and will treat you in the way that you feel you deserve to be treated. Those who are quick to jump into relationship do so in order to fill a need and a void in their lives, so allow yourself to meet your own needs and make your life as full and as fulfilling as possible on your own, because neediness is not love.

Giving others the power to validate and approve of you is giving them the power to judge you, and is ultimately giving your power away. It is not up to others to validate you - you must honor yourself and let that attract to you the love that you truly deserve. The reason that you lose your power of choice when someone is interested in you is because you are putting other people's wants, needs and desires ahead of your own. You are giving your power away trying to please others, trying to be lovable and desirable, instead of trusting others to be attracted to who you really are.

More importantly, you are probably more concerned with how others feel about you than you are about how you feel about them. Just because someone is interested in you does not mean that person is right for you. You must discover what you really want for yourself and allow yourself to have it. When you are dating, you are really conducting a job interview or audition, looking for the ideal person to fill the most important role in your life - that of your life partner. You wouldn't make just anyone a partner in your life simply because they were interested in the job. You have to know what requirements you have and what qualities you are looking for in the person you want to fill that position, so perhaps you might consider creating a "want ad" that you put out to the Universe listing all the qualifications that you are seeking in a partner.

Then, when prospective partners show interest, you need to get a sense of their resume, and interview them carefully, perhaps several times, before you consider them for that most important position. You do not need to interrogate them, but ask the questions that are important to you in a way that invites them to answer - show interest in who they are and what they've done, then LISTEN and pay attention to what you hear and feel. (Many men think that women talk too much, and most people just want to be heard, so it would be a breath of fresh air that you are willing to listen.) Most people enjoy talking about themselves, and appreciate other people's interest in them, so they will often be more than happy to tell you things about themselves, as long as your questions are not too personal, probing or intimate in the beginning (and don't scare a man off by asking him how many children he wants to have!). If the person is not open to answering your questions, then they are either too shy and aloof, or they are hiding something and not being frank and honest.

Someone may look good on the outside, but if something doesn't feel right to you, you must pay attention to that. Your intuition communicates with you through your inner feelings - if you get a sense that something is wrong, you must trust your intuition to be right for you, even if you do not know why you are feeling what you are feeling. By taking the interview approach, you keep your head instead of losing it in favor of your heart. It is important that you use the initial time of getting to know someone wisely, before your heart is involved. The heart just wants to love and not get hurt, but once the heart is engaged, there is nothing that the mind can say to sway it.

It is better to keep the relationship light and fun in the "getting-to-know-you-stage", and therefore, it is much better not to get physically involved until you are certain of how you feel about this person. Physical intimacy is usually very different for women than for men. For men, it is external and often about the conquest, about lust and desire, that can quickly fade if there has not been any emotional connection beforehand. Women, on the other hand, become deeply touched by allowing someone to connect with them intimately, literally getting under their skin. For women, it is more difficult to have an intimate connection without the heart getting involved. Women then hunger for more and more of an emotional connection, which frightens men away if they are not yet feeling that connection at the emotional level.

Too much too soon is usually a recipe for disaster. Lust burns hot and bright, but then fades, like a shooting star. Attraction may be instantaneous, but love is built over time. It is best for both parties to hold off on physical intimacy in order to build a strong foundation for relationship and communication that will last, based on mutual respect. Men need to take things slowly or they will start to feel trapped and suffocated. Get to know him beyond the initial physical attraction, and let his desire to know you better and more intimately grow over time. Keep it light in the beginning for both of your sakes.

The onset of relationship produces powerful chemical reactions in the body. You may be addicted to love, and to the feeling and rush of falling in love, and taking things too quickly. The first kiss, the first touch, the first embrace are all electrifying, and spiked with adrenaline. The more this kind of sexual tension is allowed to build over time, the more gratifying it will be for both parties, especially if love has had a chance to blossom before intimacy takes place. It is far more fulfilling to make love than to simply have sex, so value yourself enough to hold out for that. If he can't wait, then he wasn't really interested in having a real relationship, so you are better off not having given yourself away and saving yourself from deeper pain and vulnerability.

Women will often give themselves away too easily in order to please men, particularly if they did not get the love and validation that they needed from their fathers, but this will only continue to create the same pattern of rejection over and over again. You have to love yourself first, and accept that you are lovable just as you are, and that you are worthy of having the love that you desire and deserve. You must honor yourself and be willing to wait for the person you love and admire, who loves and admires you. Don't settle for less than you truly want for yourself, but you must know what that is in order to attract it. Don't look for perfection, because it does not exist, so don't be too picky. Simply get clear about what is most important to you in life, in love, in a partner, in a relationship, and allow yourself to have that.

When you are seeking to please, you give away your power and lose your true self, which causes a lot of problems. First of all, by giving your power to someone else, you become powerless, and they become overpowering and controlling, which does not allow for equality or happiness for either party. Also, when you lose yourself in the relationship, the other person loses you - the person that they were attracted to no longer exists because you are trying to be something that you are not, which leaves an empty mask that does not allow for real love.

You cannot really please another person - you can only please yourself. You cannot make anyone else feel joy, but you can allow yourself to feel joy and let your joy inspire others. This is not about being selfish, it is about giving yourself love and joy so you can authentically share your love and joy with those around you. You are worthy of loving yourself and enjoying your life, even if your parents did not foster that belief in you. You are your own parent now, and you need to give yourself permission to have a life of joy, love and fulfillment. Do not give yourself away anymore - you are far too precious for that! Honor yourself as sacred, your body as a temple, and your heart as a precious jewel that you only offer to those who are truly worthy of loving and treasuring you.


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