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"TOXIC FAMILIES + HEALING" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries related to: "Characteristics of healthy family relationship", "How to handle toxic family members" and more...

TOXIC FAMILIES + HEALING

Question#1: "Family relationships: I'm Taurus, sister is Taurus, cousin is Scorpio. I go to my sister's house to see my mother who is aging, and nothing that I do seems to be good enough for the two I mention above. It is a tag team of punch bagging my actions or thought when I go there. Why is this and ideas on solving? The Scorpio is a non-stop badger session."

"Psychic Advice":
Some families can be very toxic because of their negativity, so let us address how to handle toxic family members. First, you must remember to protect yourself at all times when dealing with your family. This does not mean isolating yourself, or putting up walls, or shutting down communication, because these actions do not protect you, they merely leave you more vulnerable to attack. The best way to protect yourself from negative energy is to surround yourself with positive energy. Every morning upon awakening, imagine that there is a magnificent bubble of white light that completely surrounds you - this light is the Light of Love that allows love, light and joy to enter your space and protects you from all else. Visualize this every day, and especially whenever you feel threatened or attacked.

When most people are faced with judgment, negativity or attack, they tend to cower, shrink their energy, and retreat. This gives power and energy to those who are judging and attacking, who are essentially bullies deriving power from intimidating others. They use their negativity and anger to control others, thereby stealing power and energy from them. Not only are you their victim, but you also become their prey: every time you show up at your sister's house, they pounce on you and feed on your power and energy like vampires. They use criticism as their weapon to disempower you and make you feel weak or bad, then they move in for the kill, leaving you feeling beaten up.

It is important that you continue to see your mother, for your sake and for hers, so don't let your sister and your cousin stand in your way. However, it can be exhausting and debilitating to anticipate going into a battlefield every time you go to see your mom. This could tempt you to find reasons not to go, or to go less often. But being around all that negative energy cannot be good for your mother either - even if the negativity is not directed at her, its toxicity permeates the environment. I'm sure your mother looks forward to your visits because of the positive energy you bring to her.

Taurus people tend to be quite stubborn and headstrong, while Scorpio's can be very passionate - but passion can have its dark side, which is aggression and even vindictiveness (scorpions have a deadly stinger, after all). You might be able to lock horns and hold your own with your sister, but with the two of them together, you can't really defend yourself, so you need to take a higher approach.

Before you go to your sister's home, take a few moments to do the following visualization:

Imagine a swirling white light moving through your sister's home, cleansing all negativity from every corner of every room. Imagine this white light swirling around your sister and around your cousin, cleansing them of all negativity and plunging it deep into the earth, where it is transmuted into love. Visualize that there is a great sun above your sister's head, and another sun above your cousin's head, and another magnificent sun above your mother's head. Imagine that these great suns are each sending down a beam of light into the person beneath them, so that your sister, cousin and mother are all encased in a beam of light that comes from the great sun above them, which goes down into the center of the Earth. Now imagine that each of them are so filled with white light that it overflows all around them, surrounding each of them in their own bubble of white light that keeps their energy contained. This light feeds them from their own source so they don't have to feed on your energy or power; the bubble of light around them creates healthy boundaries. Now see each of their hearts filled with light, radiating love, peace and joy, and welcoming you.

Now imagine that you have a beam of light entering the top of your head from a great sun above you, filling you with a pillar of light that goes deep into the Earth. Feel yourself being so filled with light that it overflows all around you, surrounding you in the divine light of love and protection. See yourself standing tall and feeling strong in this bubble of light. Imagine yourself walking into your sister's house feeling empowered and loving. See yourself able to feel safe giving and receiving love with your sister and cousin, and radiating love and light to your mother.

Do not allow your sister to make you feel small, weak or less than her anymore. Do not let your sister or your cousin intimidate you with criticism. If they continue to do so, imagine that the bubble of light that surrounds you is a mirror that deflects their energy away from you and back to them. You can also do things to break the pattern of their communication with you: interrupt what they are saying with questions or comments that don't make sense, or make strange faces or sounds as they are talking to you. Sometimes asking them questions about their lives can deflect their attention away from you. You can also subtly change the subject, or excuse yourself to leave the room at the beginning of their criticism before it develops into a full blown attack.

Do not argue or defend yourself anymore, just keep deflecting the conversation and the energy in different directions - make it a game that you can win, don't just keep playing by their rules. Humor is also key, because they can't hurt you unless you take what they are saying to heart by taking it seriously. If you step out of the personal and watch them from a detached place, you can find the humor in the situation, and they will no longer be able to get to you.

They have been using guilt to make you feel less than them so they can feel superior and righteous. This will only continue to work as long as you allow it. Do not fight it directly, because you will lose power engaging in a battle with them. Resist the temptation to try to prove yourself, justify yourself, or apologize for yourself. Simply rise above their negativity and shine your light and love even more brightly - the only way to dispel darkness is to shine a light upon it, for then it disappears in the light of consciousness. Do not shrink in fear and intimidation, instead expand your light and radiate your power, then they can never harm you again.

Question#2: "How can I re-direct negative energy from a family member who complains about everything? I am expected (underline expected) to call them daily so they can talk about their problems (medical, anxiety and mental). They will call 3 or 4 times a day. I am trying to get them to a psychiatrist and psychologist, but in the mean time, I notice that I am drawing in on the negativity. I also face it from a co-worker. How can I divert it or send it elsewhere? I am an extremely sensitive person and pick up moods and feelings very easily."

Complainers really suck - they suck the joy out of life, and they suck the life out of those around them. One thing you can do is to keep the phone conversations very brief - just say that you are really busy and don't have time to talk, but that you just wanted to say hello and to give your love, then say "gotta go, I'll call you tomorrow" and hang up. Never ask the dreaded question, "how are you?" because that is an invitation for that person to launch into their story.

You can try to steer and direct the conversation by talking about the positive things that are happening for you (although, with negative people, you may not want to share the things that are most important to you because they can have a tendency to burst your bubble or rob you of your dreams). You can keep the conversation light and focus on mundane things (not the news or weather), but avoid gossip.

Invest in call display if you don't already have it, and don't pick up the phone when you see their number unless you are mentally prepared to deal with them. Right now, this person has you trained to respond to those calls, but if you don't respond, you will eventually teach that person that those techniques will no longer work to control you. Just tell that person that you are really busy in your life, but it doesn't mean that you don't care.

Do not take on the negativity, because this is how the person is able to feed off your energy. People only do things if there is some kind of payoff for doing it - if they no longer get the desired response from you by their old methods, they will eventually change them (probably not before they lay a heavy guilt trip on you, however, for not "being there" for them). You do not have to be their toxic waste dump anymore. Do not accept the guilt.

Sometimes, if a person is getting a lot of attention for their ailments, they will hold onto the ailment and will not heal just because they are getting more attention from being sick or in pain than they would if they were well. Ultimately, this does no good for anyone. It would be wise to seek out professional counseling for this person as soon as possible.

Do the visualizations from the question above to see yourself and your family member(s) encased in your own bubbles of light so you both have strong and healthy boundaries with each other.  Imagine that you each have beams of light coming into you from individual suns above each of you that nourish you both with divine love and light. This will allow healing as your family member is connected to source directly and therefore will no longer have to feed off your energy.

There can be healing with toxic families, but it requires setting strong boundaries in place and breaking cycles and patterns of abuse. We teach others how to treat us, so if you want to be treated differently, you have to teach them to treat you the way you want to be treated. You must reclaim your power and autonomy, and release guilt and shame. Hold your head high and radiate unconditional love. Surround yourself with light, because it is your greatest protection against negativity.

Knowing how to handle toxic family members can save you from years of pain and suffering - it can also alleviate their pain and suffering as well, if that is what they have been using to manipulate and control you. Most importantly, hold the vision in your mind of the way you would like the relationship to be with this family member - don't focus on the negative anymore or expect the worst, instead allow for the possibility of positive change and healing foe everyone.

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