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"Can spouses survive sex addiction" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries related to: "How to break addiction to pornography", "How to overcome addiction pornography", "Dealing with someone with a sex addiction", "How can you tell if your husband is addicted to pornography", "Is pornography healthy for a marriage", "How to fight sex addiction" and more...

CAN SPOUSES SURVIVE SEX ADDICTION

Question: "I am so angry with my husband, he would rather watch porn than be with me. Every time I leave the room he's going solo. Please help me, I'm at my wits end. Why am I not good enough?"

"Psychic Advice":
I have received so many questions about how to break addiction to pornography - you are definitely not alone. Many people, especially men, are becoming increasingly addicted to pornography, and the Internet makes this all too accessible. Addiction to pornography is an aspect of sex addiction. Many couples ask the question: can spouses survive sex addiction? There are many ways of dealing with someone with a sex addiction, but some are more effective than others. In order to address how to overcome addiction to pornography, one must first understand the nature of addiction itself.

A person's sexuality has a lot to do with how he/she feels about himself or herself. This is also true of addiction. A person uses an addiction to alter their state and to avoid feeling something. This is obvious when the addiction involves drugs or alcohol, because their altered state is often easily apparent (although many people who have severe drug or alcohol addictions can be using these substances constantly while appearing to be "normal"). This altered state is not so obvious with people who have addictions to shopping, to food, to exercise, to sex or to pornography, yet those who are driven by any addiction are hooked on the "rush" or high that they get from their chosen fix.

All addictions create a biochemical reaction in the body and the brain, which gives a sense of being high temporarily. The addict is actually addicted to this biochemical reaction, more than to the substance triggering it. However, the substance or action becomes associated with that feeling, and the addict knows that engaging in that substance or action will create that feeling of being high every time. The problem is that the high is fleeting and often leads to feeling lower than before, which triggers the desire to get high again. This is why addiction is such a rollercoaster ride, but addicts are rarely aware that the addiction takes all their loved ones on the rollercoaster ride with them.

Drugs, alcohol and food all create biochemical reactions in the body, which trigger feelings of being high, or more relaxed, or somehow relieved. Smoking addicts say that smoking relaxes them and relieves tension - smoking masks anger, which is why smokers become so irritable whenever they quit smoking, or even if they are in withdrawal for long periods of time, like on an airplane. Caffeine produces such a pleasant high that most people in the world are addicted to it, and it is readily accessible on every street corner in the form of coffee, tea, soft drinks and even chocolate. Most people find it difficult to get through a day without caffeine, which is a sure sign of addiction. Yet because the addiction is on such a massive worldwide scale, caffeine addiction is entirely acceptable, and even promoted for better performance and efficiency without regard for what it does to the nervous system.

Many people who run for exercise get a "runner's high" from endorphins - this can become highly addictive, yet addiction to exercise is considered to be a good and acceptable thing. Those who are addicted to shopping also receive a rush from a biochemical cocktail of adrenaline and endorphins that make them feel high for a time, but this wears off rather quickly until they shop again. Shopping addicts often buy things that they are not ultimately happy with and tend to experience buyer's remorse, because it is the impulse to buy that they are addicted to. People joke about being addicted to buying shoes or seeking out "retail therapy", and while this may seem to be a harmless addiction, many people really pay for it over time.

Sex addiction or addiction to pornography tend to remain secret addictions because they are considered to be somewhat taboo. But these addictions are not really about sex - pornography and sex are simply the substance of choice that triggers the chemical rush of endorphins and adrenaline, and that is what people become addicted to.  With sex addiction and addiction to pornography, the elements of it being forbidden and naughty add to tension that creates the adrenaline rush. This can lead a person down a dark and dangerous path, because for some people, the more naughty or forbidden an action is, the greater the adrenaline rush they get from it - the adrenaline can start to pump just thinking about it in anticipation.

This is part of the high that starts out as a temptation, then becomes enticing, then becomes compelling, which then develops into a hunger, which then turns into a habit and an addiction. When people act on their addictive impulses, they tend to feel guilt and shame afterward, which makes them feel bad inside. They then want to avoid those bad feelings, so they reach for their chosen addiction, or combination of addictions, to give them a temporary high so they don't feel so bad, and it becomes a vicious cycle. With many addictions, addicts often need to keep increasing the intensity of their fix in order to keep getting the feeling of being high.

The factors that drive all addiction are the elements of guilt, shame, and secrecy - these are the unholy trinity that feed addictions of all kinds. Most people who are addicted to something feel wrong or bad about their addiction, which causes them to feel guilt and shame, which causes them to carry out their addiction in secret. That secrecy, guilt and shame contribute to the chemical rush of adrenaline and other biochemical compounds that trigger an addictive reaction in the body and the brain, which become compelling and hard to resist. Thoughts alone can trigger the addiction. Thoughts are definitely part of the addictive syndrome, and the addiction can become an obsession that hijacks the mind and therefore the will.

Most people who are addicted to anything use that addiction to avoid how they are feeling; they often feel a great emptiness inside, like a deep hole or a bottomless pit. Addiction is caused by feeling a void within, and the addiction is a-void-dance. Addicts use their addiction to try to fill this emptiness, but it only leaves them feeling more empty and alone, more guilty, shameful and unworthy of love - many addicts feel worthless. They hide their addiction, because they feel it makes them unlovable, and they push others away because of it, which only proves to them that they can't be loved. Addiction can become a voracious monster that sucks the life and joy out of a person, and feeds on their emotions like a demonic parasite. It calls, cajoles, whispers and taunts, enticing people with thoughts that tell them they're already bad, and their addiction will make them feel better.

It is understandable that a spouse would take a sex addiction or pornography addiction personally, because sexuality is a very personal thing. However, if your husband were an alcoholic, would you feel that you were not enough? Would you think that you were causing his drinking, or that if he loved you enough he would stop? Many people who are the "innocent victims" or bystanders who love an addict tend to somehow believe that they are responsible for their loved one's addiction in some way, but you cannot make a person do anything or feel anything, just as you cannot make them stop doing anything.

The nature of addiction is that it is a compulsion. The person has lost their power of choice.  This is how you can tell if your husband is addicted to pornography. The fact that he is "going solo" whenever you leave the room and that he prefers watching porn to being with you obviously indicates a problem. For some people, addiction to sex or pornography can lead to huge credit card bills or phone bills. Some people will spend hours online in a room by themselves (or even at work!), and will get very flustered, angry or guilty if someone interrupts them. They will usually seek out any opportunity when they are alone to act on their addiction. You can often access their Internet history to see if they've been browsing porn sites.

Some people wonder if pornography is healthy for a marriage. Every couple is different, and there are different forms of pornography out there. If a couple enjoys sharing pornography as part of their sexuality together, then that is a matter of personal choice. Many people feel that pornography is degrading to women - it tends to objectify women and is growing increasingly aggressive and perverse, especially on the Internet. Even the more "acceptable" magazines have built mansions and empires for the men who exploit young women who were "chosen" to pose for them. Some women have exploited themselves and built their careers on the "admiration" of men, while other women have had their careers ruined by making a foolish choice when they were young. For men, we tend to have a "boys will be boys" attitude that makes pornography acceptable in Western society. Pornography has become so acceptable that celebrities feel honored to be invited to the Playboy Mansion.

You have every right to feel upset about pornography, but being angry with your husband is not going to help, it will only drive the addiction deeper because guilt and shame trigger the desire for the addictive substance. If you see your husband "going solo", instead of getting upset, perhaps you might offer to take over, thereby breaking the taboo. The pornography can give you insight as to what your husband likes, and you could be the object of that attention. But that is really only addressing the symptom of how sexuality plays out in your relationship. His addiction to pornography is not a reflection of how attractive you are or whether he is satisfied with you sexually. He is an addict because he is not satisfied with himself. In order to overcome addiction to pornography, he must be willing to address the feelings and emptiness that he is trying to avoid, and any feelings of inadequacy that go with it.

To break the addiction to pornography, you and your husband must release the guilt and shame associated with it. You must be willing to forgive him, and he must be willing to forgive himself. Forgiveness breaks the hold that addiction has so a person can regain conscious choice in the present. He must decide that this is something he does not want to do anymore - not because it is a bad thing (because that will only fuel addiction), but because it really doesn't make him feel good about himself or about women. Once he makes the decision to fight sex addiction, he must continually make the conscious choice each time he is faced with a trigger or impulse. If you catch him "falling off the wagon", do not respond with guilt, shame or anger, but remind him that he made a choice to honor sexuality with you.

In order to overcome any addiction, an addict first must admit that there is a problem, and that the problem will ruin his/her life if it continues. The addict must recognize the cost of the addiction and the pain that it is causing - the pain of continuing the addiction must be greater than the fear of giving up the addiction or the euphoria of acting on the addiction, But be warned, ultimatums rarely work, and responding in anger only tends to make the addiction worse because the addict will run to the addiction in order to avoid feeling shame and guilt.

The best approach is to tell your husband how pornography makes you feel about yourself and about sexuality, rather than giving your views about it being denigrating to all women. If you make it personal, you will make it more meaningful. Avoid being judgmental, righteous, attacking or accusatory, because this will only drive him further into secrecy. It is better to talk to your husband openly about sex, ask him gently what he finds intriguing and attractive about pornography, and see if you can feel comfortable meeting those needs.

Often an addict needs help to overcome an addiction, either through counseling or through a support group such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, which can provide steps for how to break an addiction to pornography. The only problem with this type of group is that, because of the nature of sex and pornography addiction, listening to some people share their stories can be a trigger for some addicts. Couples counseling can be very helpful for healing the addiction and its underlying causes and issues, as well as for healing any damage that's it has caused to the relationship.

Can spouses survive sex addiction? That is really up to each couple to decide. Dealing with someone with a sex addiction requires great strength because it requires unconditional love and forgiveness. This is especially challenging with sex addiction because one must be willing to forgive actual infidelity and rebuild trust. Forgiveness does not condone someone's behavior or make it okay, it simply removes the stigma and releases all those involved from being locked in a pattern of perpetual pain.



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