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"MAKING A MAN MARRY YOU" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries related to: "things you need to know before you marry", "Why won't he marry me?"and more

MAKING A MAN MARRY YOU

Question: "I have been with a man I love and adore for 4 years. I want to marry him. He says he loves me but he doesn't want to get married again because of past unpleasures. He says it is just a piece of paper and that we are as married without the paper. Will he ever marry me? Am I wasting my life away?"

"Psychic Advice":
Making a man marry you is not a wise idea. Some people have strong reasons for wanting to get married, and others have strong reasons for not wanting to marry. If you coerce someone into marriage (or try to force them to do anything that they don't want to do), they may resent it, and they may come to resent you over time.

You must ask yourself why you want to get married. If what you really want is to have a wedding, you could still do that without getting legally married. You could have a "commitment ceremony" or throw a party with all of your friends and family that represents a celebration of the love that you and your partner have for each other. You could make it a spiritual ceremony, or not, and it could be as fancy or as casual as you would like it to be.

If you want to get married to feel more secure in the relationship, it is important to remember that neither marriage nor children really work as "glue" to bond two people together. In fact, many couples who never marry say that they recommit to each other every day by choice, rather than relying on a piece of paper to bind them together. Some couples even find that shortly after marriage, they begin to drift apart, taking each other for granted, and slipping into habits of complacency simply because they feel "secure" in the binding aspect of marriage.

Don't get me wrong - I believe that marriage is a wonderful thing as long as both people want to be married to one another. I have been married for over 18 years, and I am always grateful for the love and joy that we experience in our partnership. But there are many ways to be "married" that don't have to involve legal documents or religious ceremonies.

If you are making him marry you to prove that he loves you, then you are wanting to get married because you feel insecure. You say that you love and adore this man, so how could you be "wasting your life away" by being with him? What is it about marriage that is so important to you? These are some of the things you need to know before you marry.

There are strong arguments in favor of legal marriage. If you want to have children, you might want to be legally married to assure their guardianship and protection - although this is not always necessary, nor is it guaranteed. Some of the biggest arguments for legal marriage include insurance benefits, health benefits, rights of survivorship, rights as next of kin, etc. These are the types of rights that same sex couples are fighting for in seeking the right to legally marry. While these issues have nothing to do with love or romance, these are pragmatic arguments that you could use with your partner to substantiate your desire to be legally married. A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, but it is one that gives you a lot of legal rights.

However, your partner also has strong reasons for not wanting to get married again, which he probably mentioned to you early on in your relationship so you would clearly know where he stood on the subject so you wouldn't be "wasting your life away" with him. People can be strongly affected by negative relationship experiences in the past, especially by divorce. For some people, witnessing the divorce of their parents, family members or friends, can be enough to turn them off marriage. For others like your partner, having gone through a divorce can make them not want to marry again.

Divorce can be extremely painful. First, the relationship disintegrates to the point where the couple no longer wants to be together. But rather than simply going their separate ways, they have to wait for legal periods of separation, then serve and file legal documents to dissolve the legal agreement. Yes, a marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, but one that can carry an enormous amount of weight. Instead of just dividing up the CD collection, lawyers often get in the middle of dividing legal assets "fairly", which can create severe acrimony, especially if children are involved. However, common law marriage presents some of the same issues regarding communal property - whether or not you have a marriage certificate, you may still be considered legally married after several years of co-habitation.

You may have a tendency to take it as personal rejection when you ask yourself, "Why won't he marry me?" You may feel that he does not love you enough, or that he simply cannot commit. Some people are not so much afraid of commitment as they are afraid of the pain of loss. Perhaps your partner still has healing to do from his previous marriage, and he must recognize that the past does not equal the future. Just because he tripped and fell on the path that he walked before does not mean that he will trip and fall on that path if he walks it again. You can tell him that if you walk that path hand in hand together, you can help and support each other not to trip or fall.

Currently, your present motives for wanting to be married are not changing your partner's beliefs or feelings about not wanting to marry again. Making a man marry you will not work, but you can encourage him to want to marry you. Go away together to some place very romantic and tell him why you want to marry him and how it would make you feel to be his wife. Tell him that it may just be a piece of paper to him, but it means everything to you. Really listen to why he doesn't want to get married again, and don't argue with him. Tell him that you understand that he has been hurt before, but that doesn't have anything to do with you, or with your present relationship with him.

If he remains firm about his desire not to remarry, remember that love is never wasted. Enjoy the love that you share instead of focusing on making him marry you. Give it another year, choosing your moments carefully for bringing up this topic - do not whine or nag him about it, and do not try to manipulate him. Do not get upset or withhold your love from him if he is still not ready. You must make marrying you be an inviting prospect by letting him know what you will both gain out of it that you do not have already. If you still cannot meet on the same page a year from now, then you both may need to re-examine your relationship and what you both want and need in life.

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