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"Comparison on internet dating and traditional dating" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries related to: "Red flags for online dating", "Internet dating cyber predator", "Internet dating the dos and donts", "Signs of your soul mate", "Internet dating warnings", "Concerns about internet dating", "Questions to ask internet dating",, "Online dating rules". "Internet dating red flags", "Advantages of internet dating", "The dangers of internet dating", "Internet dating scams", "Internet dating predators", and more...

COMPARISON ON INTERNET DATING AND TRADITIONAL DATING

Question: "I am 16 and I think I have fallen in love with my soul mate. I don't know the signs of the person being your soulmate. I've only texted him and talked to him on Myspace. I feel like I've known him my whole life and I can be myself with him. When I am not talking to him I feel like I am not whole. I am running on empty. When I don't talk to him I lose my appetite, my stomach starts churning. My heart beats fast when I think of him, and everything reminds me of him. I don't know how he feels about me but I think I am really in love. Am I? Is he the one I've been looking for?"

"Psychic Advice":
There are advantages of internet dating, but there are also many concerns about internet dating. Some people can and do meet their soul mate online, but some may encounter an internet dating cyber predator.

Part of the problem with some internet dating sites and other sites like MySpace is that the person that you "meet" has access to a lot of information about you and can tailor their communication to say what you want to hear. One of the real concerns about internet dating is that it is easy for someone to hide behind a fake persona and lie about everything, including their age, gender, marital status, career, financial status, location, etc.  I am not saying that is the case for you, however, there are red flags for online dating that you must watch out for. 

Internet dating - the dos and donts:

- Don't give too much information about yourself right away. Let that person ask you questions so you can find out how much they are actually interested in getting to know you, and stay aware of the types of things they want to know. (A person who always asks you what you are wearing might possibly have some interest in fashion, but is more likely to be engaging in fantasizing.)

- Do ask a lot of questions in all your communication. Questions to ask internet dating partners don't always have to be directly personal, but they do need to give you an indication of what that person is really like. Questions to ask internet dating partners can include things like what are their favorite movies/TV shows/books/websites and what do they like about them. What is their favorite song and why? What is their favorite thing to do on weekends? What do they like to do after work/school? What is a typical Sunday like? What are their friends like? How much time do they spend with their family? What are holidays like with their family? What is their best and worst memory? What have they seen of the world and what do they want to see and why? Also, if you have strong beliefs about something, you need to get a sense of their perspective on it, but instead of asking pointed questions directly, you might try relating it to a movie or news story, and ask them what they think about it. Asking probing questions helps you to get a better sense of the person you are communicating with.

- Don't post provocative photographs of yourself or your friends, and don't have photographs of yourself partying or intoxicated. (Remember, potential employers also search the internet and may not hire you because of what they see online - what gets posted on the internet remains in Cyberspace forever!)

- Do remember that everything you say about yourself is essentially an advertisement, so be mindful of what you are really selling. If you are using a lot of sexual innuendos or posting sexy photos, you will attract someone who may just want sex.

- Do be honest - there is really no point in lying in order to attract or impress someone, because it takes a great amount of energy and attention to maintain a lie. You would either have to hide behind that lie forever, or finally tell the truth and have the other person discover that the relationship was based on lies. If you are yourself, then that person will like you for who you really are.

- Don't, under any circumstance, give your home or work address (or name of your school) until you've met the person and really gotten to know them over time.

- Do set up a first meeting in a very public place in the daytime - it is easiest to meet for "coffee", which gives you the opportunity to make the meeting as long or as short as you wish. (Do not let the person take you home or go anywhere with them until you've met them casually a few times and feel really comfortable with them.)

- Do pay attention to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or doesn't feel right. Make a note of those things, and find ways to question them about it.

- Don't just say the things you think the other person wants to hear - be yourself, because they will either love you for who you really are, or its not worth it.

- Don't be afraid to scare them off if you are honest and direct - if being yourself and asking probing questions pushes them away, then they aren't the right person for you anyway.

- (For more mature online daters, be careful how you ask questions about marriage and children. You can ask how long was their longest relationship, and if they have any children, or what are their feelings about children, but don't ask them how many kids they want to have or when they want to get married until the relationship develops over time and becomes serious - this goes for online dating as well as conventional dating.)

- Do have phone conversations as often as possible so you can get a sense of the resonance of that person's voice. Communicating in writing cannot compare to the intimacy you can experience in actual conversation where you can get a better sense of the tone of their communication.



In order to fully explore the advantages of internet dating and the concerns about internet dating, it is best to do a comparison on internet dating and traditional dating. With online dating, you can potentially select specific groups based on shared interests (via forums, chat rooms, or profiles); in conventional dating you can do the same thing by seeking out different groups of people sharing in activities that interest you. Internet dating opens the whole world to you while traditional dating is often limited to your geographic location - while internet dating increases the possibilities available to you, it also presents geographic limitations because long-distance relationships can be very challenging, especially if the finances of both parties are limited. Also, many people choose to connect over the internet because they are somewhat socially challenged or shy - this can pose a problem when it comes to actually meeting because many people can avoid face-to-face encounters and use online communication as a substitute for a physical connection.

One advantage to online dating is that you can potentially get to know the person without the distraction of physical attraction, thereby allowing you to fall in love with someone you may not have given the time of day to if you had initially met them in person - the challenge with this is that you may fall in love with someone over the internet that you do not feel physically attracted to, or who is not physically attracted to you. One of the advantages of internet dating is that you can develop a deep relationship slowly over time, so that when you do physically meet, you already have a strong connection.

One of the dangers of internet dating is that you don't really know who you are communicating with, so you must take it slowly and take the opportunity to ask probing questions. A major advantage to traditional dating is that you can get a better sense of your own intuition about a person, which is more difficult to do over the internet. However, once the heart is engaged, most people don't want to listen to their intuition and often ignore its signals and warnings. Always trust your own intuition, whether you are dating online or conventionally - if something does not feel right for any reason, pay attention and act upon it, even if it does not make sense.

Love can affect a person's sleep, breathing, heart rate, appetite, digestion, nervous system and can monopolize their thoughts - in fact, love can take over a person's life, making them act irrationally. Once the heart is engaged, it is difficult for the mind to maintain reason.

In your case, what you are feeling is a form of love - it is what is known as being "lovesick". This is not a sign of meeting a soul mate, but is a sign of obsessive love. When you meet a soulmate, it is a feeling of knowing that person forever, but it creates a sense of peace and calm. It is not about someone else making you feel whole when you connect, and empty when you don't - this is a sign of neediness, and need is not love. Let yourself get past that and deeply explore the relationship so you can know it this person is really the one for you. It is good that you can be yourself with him, and you must make sure that he is truly being himself with you. Don't be in such a hurry to rush into love, there is a whole lifetime to experience that.

Whether in traditional dating or online dating, it is always best to take things slowly and let a strong friendship develop that forms the basis for a lasting relationship. Make sure that you really do have a lot of interests and values in common by asking probing questions. Be honest with that person, but most importantly, be honest with yourself. Don't let love blind you. Always trust yourself first and foremost, because your intuition is designed to keep you safe, if you listen to it and trust it.

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