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"DATING SOMEONE AFTER A DIVORCE" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries such as: "how to get back into dating scene after a divorce", "steps of divorce recovery", "dating after a divorce", "how to date after divorce", "divorce recovery", "after dating divorce advice", "dating after divorce" & more...

DATING SOMEONE AFTER A DIVORCE
& STEPS OF DIVORCE RECOVERY

Question: "I have been divorced now going on 5 years and have not dated or been in any relationship since. Will I ever overcome this and have love in my life again? I really miss having a partner to share my life with and sometimes it hurts. I don't know if I am blocking myself from love entering my life because I still have these thoughts that we will be together again."

"Psychic Advice":
Divorce leaves emotional scars, so dating someone after a divorce can be challenging. There are certain things that you must do in order to heal and recover after divorce so you will be free to love again. Steps of divorce recovery include healing self-esteem, establishing self-worth, forgiveness of self and others, reclaiming your own identity, recovering your independence, loving yourself, releasing the past, and empowering yourself in the present and for the future.

Divorce can be very painful and wounding, as love often turns to bitterness and resentment at the end of a relationship. Divorce is a long and protracted breakup that can become a battle over assets and children. During this time, there is a tendency for both people to cast blame, judgment and criticism toward each other, as they belittle and attack each other. Divorce is rarely a win-win situation - in fact, usually at least one person, if not everyone involved, ends up losing and being hurt. This pain takes time to heal and recover from.

It is essential to spend time healing self-esteem and self-worth that has been damaged during the course of the divorce, and perhaps even during the relationship itself. A divorce does not happen overnight, and the circumstances leading up to it develop over time. If one partner has a tendency to put the other down, or to act superior or controlling, it can affect the other person's self-esteem. Even if that was not the case during the relationship, the feeling of rejection caused by breaking up often wounds self-esteem. When a couple divides assets and determines support payments, they are essentially evaluating each other's worth, and often attacking and resenting it.

Your worth is not determined by anything outside of you. It is important to remember that you are not your past, and you are not your mistakes - in fact, there is truly no such thing as a mistake, it is simply another learning experience. You are responsible for your choices, actions, and reactions, and for your thoughts, feelings and behavior, but you are not to blame for these things. Responsibility is not blame - responsibility is about having the power of choice, and you have the power to choose how you experience your life and how you respond to your life situation now.

Your past choices and experiences have brought you to this moment and have shaped the person you are now, but they do not determine your present or your future, unless you allow them to. You have choice in this moment as to how you desire to live your life - although those choices are informed by the experiences of the past because of what you have learned from those experiences, your present and future choices are not determined by your past.

You are no longer the same person you were before, so you don't need to make the same choices and repeat the same patterns that you did before, especially if you learned from those experiences. Many people who have trouble loving again or dating someone after divorce are afraid that they are going to repeat the same patterns and choices, and therefore experience the same pain again. Every experience we have changes us forever, so why would you choose to have the same experience again?

You need to release the past and let go of your former spouse. Holding onto the fantasy of being together again is only keeping the wound open. Even if you were to get together again, it would not be getting "back" together - there is no going back. You need to let the past go so you can allow yourself to love in the present and for the future. Do not let your past haunt you.

You must forgive yourself and all those concerned for the pain that you and everyone around you have experienced. Forgiveness sets you free and releases your pain so you can love again. Without forgiveness, there is no room for love in your heart because it is full of pain. Lack of forgiveness causes fear of pain and fear of loss in the future, so the heart becomes armored and will not allow love in or out until the heart is healed. No matter what kind of situation you experienced, forgiveness is essential for you to be able to move forward in your life, otherwise you will keep living in pain in your present, and you will continue to suffer as a victim of that pain until you are willing to let it go.

Divorce can feel like a failure, but it is only a failure if you fail to let yourself love again. Instead of letting the pain of the past cripple you and paralyze you, turn those wounds into badges of courage and honor - let those experiences empower you with knowledge and wisdom so you can make better, wiser and more informed choices now, and for the future.

You must reclaim your own sense of identity and independence. Many people tend to lose themselves in their relationships. They lose their true sense of who they are during the course of the relationship, either through trying to please or to control the other person. People who are constantly trying to please others often give themselves away and become chameleons, changing themselves to try to be what they think the other person might want, like or love. The problem is that they lose a sense of who they really are, and they are no longer the person that their partner fell in love with because that person has disappeared and been absorbed into the relationship. Likewise, a controller takes power from his/her partner, and both partners change in the process: the controller becomes more controlling and more fearful and insecure, while the other partner becomes weaker and more powerless. Everyone loses in either scenario.

Your identity is not based on you being divorced, no more than it was based on you being married. You need to spend time getting to know yourself and who you really are. Make time to do the things you love and explore the things that interest you and give you joy. Seek out others who enjoy these same things, and join new groups where you can meet like-hearted and like-minded people. Start to love your life again - no one can give that to you, and no one else can take it away from you either. Once you love your life and love yourself, then you are open to love again. Other people are attracted to love and joy, not to your pain, so you must let it go - live to love and love to live!.

Don't be afraid of the future - choose the future that you want to experience. Release the past - your history is only a story that can end the moment you let it be over. Now is a new opportunity for a new beginning. You are the storyteller and you can create a story where you live happily ever after - starting now..

You have taken time to heal yourself, which is important, but although time heals all wounds, it cannot by itself heal the scars from those wounds. You must take the steps of divorce recovery so you can reclaim yourself and reclaim your power. Once you reclaim your love for yourself, then you can choose to share it with someone else - but you will never give it away again. Dating someone after divorce starts with dating yourself and loving yourself first. For now, you must be your own partner in life, which will prepare you for a true and loving partnership with someone else.

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