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KEEPING RELATIONSHIPS REAL

What about sex before marriage?

In today's society, there are many external pressures to have sex when dating, especially on days like Valentine's Day. Your "first time" only happens once in a lifetime, and will always be memorable no matter what the circumstances, so it is always best if it is special and meaningful for you. Your body is yours and is a sacred temple for your spirit. Only you can choose what is true for you, what steps you are ready for, how you choose to express your love, and how you feel you want to share yourself. Your love is a gift that only you can offer, whenever and however it is right for you. You must go within to find your truth in your own heart, and then you must honor your own truth, because only you can choose what's true for you, and you have to live with your choices in this lifetime. Anyone who really loves you will honor and respect your truth; anyone who wants more than you are ready to give is seeking to take from you, which is not loving or respectful.

I've been alone for many years. What can I do so i don't feel so lonely, especially on Valentine's Day?

You are never truly alone - we are all connected to one another, and to all that is around us, but the illusion of separation causes us to feel alone in this world. Your primary relationship is with yourself. You can take this time to love and honor yourself, to do little things for yourself that give you joy and express your love and appreciation for yourself. Be your own Valentine and shower yourself with gifts and flowers. You don't have to wait for someone else to show you how special you are - whether you are in a relationship or not, you can always give to yourself. The more you love yourself, the more your light will shine into the world and draw all that you love to you. You don't have to be lonely, even if you are alone (there are many people who feel lonely even in their relationships with others). As long as you are truly with yourself, you are never by yourself, so enjoy yourself!

How do I cope with a partner who has become an antagonistic stranger in our relationship - one who refuses to support my journey and quest, which is so crucial to my own spiritual development?

Love is a great part of our spiritual journey, and all of our various forms of relationship in life offer us the greatest challenges and opportunities for our spiritual growth and development in the evolution of our soul. Your partner is probably afraid of what he/she does not understand, and is afraid that you will change along your journey. Instead of being resentful, you can choose to be loving and compassionate. There are many ways up the mountain, and many pathways a soul can take; your partner may not choose to grow in the way that you are, but you do not have to let that hold you back. Your love and understanding can melt your partner's antagonism, unless that is your partner's attempt to control you.

Ultimately, in a relationship, if you are not growing together then you will grow apart. You obviously don't want to be fighting over your spirituality. If you choose to stay together, you might consider the option of not sharing your spiritual quest with your partner and keeping this aspect of your life sacred for yourself. Love is a powerful energy - it can transcend all obstacles and all barriers. When love has been created, it can never be destroyed, only transformed. You have been given a great challenge on your spiritual journey to maintain peace and love within yourself when faced with lack of support from someone you love. It is our challenges that provide us with the greatest opportunities to grow and evolve spiritually, so perhaps you can find it in your heart to be grateful to your partner for challenging you to love through your pain and disappointment.

My boyfriend is always trying to please me and it's getting to be too much. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm getting tired of him putting me on a pedestal. What should I do?

If he is putting you on a pedestal, then he cannot love you for who you really are, and you can't relax and be who you really are, so it's no wonder you're getting a little frustrated. Your boyfriend is trying too hard to please you because on some level he feels unworthy of you and your love, so he is trying to compensate for his feeling of inadequacy by what he gives to you, which is intended to prove his worth. His insecurity is what is driving him to try to please you all the time, and he is trying to be the man that he thinks you want him to be.

In any relationship, when one person gives their power to another out of insecurity and tries too hard to please, the other person will eventually lose respect for him/her (which can potentially even lead to a dynamic of abusive behavior in one form or another). You must tell your boyfriend that you were attracted to the man that he is, not the man that he is trying to be. Tell him that you appreciate all that he gives you and does for you, and then tell him what he can do to really please you. Remind him to be himself so you can truly love and respect him for who he is, and ask him to take you off your pedestal so he can really love and accept you for who you are. In this way, you can join together as equals in the dance of love and partnership.

I have been married for fifteen years and my husband is very sweet to me, however, special occasions like birthdays and Valentine's Day aren't really all that special anymore. Does this mean that the love will fade between us?

Relationships are not accurately measured on Valentine's Day or birthdays - it is what happens during the other 360+ days of the year that really matters. "Special Occasions" like Valentine's Day or birthdays can be a real trap where expectations can often lead to disappointment. Valentine's Day especially is what I call a "Hallmark Holiday", which card companies, candy companies, jewelers and florists commercially package as a day that one is expected to show one's love and affection in certain ways. If we buy into this, we become tempted to measure our own worth by how much another person shows their love for us.

Our society has sold us an image of love and romance that is false, and if our relationship does not match what we see in movies, then we are made to feel that there is something wrong with us. Hollywood and romance novels sell us fantasies and fairy tales; how many real romances are there in Hollywood that can actually live up to this impossible image? Many relationships are destroyed by it. Reality is far richer. If your husband is sweet to you, receive his love with gratitude and appreciation, and don't put artificial pressures and expectations on your good, long marriage.

The love will only fade between you if you both allow that to happen, so make sure that you both regularly show your genuine love and appreciation for each other in your own way - hugs and affection on a daily basis create a strong and enduring bond of love. If you want Valentine's Day or birthdays to somehow be more special, then you can either ask for what you really want, or create it yourself. Just remember that life and love are really about enjoying and appreciating all the little things in each day - this is what makes life truly rich and fulfilling.

To coincide with this column, I am excited to announce my new audio release, now available on recording or CD:  Keeping Relationships Real - how to choose, create and nurture our intimate relationships

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