Free Weekly Syndicated Advice Columns
Published Every Wednesday Afternoon (PST)

"Unrequited love obsession" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries related to: unrequited love friend, Confidence and unrequited love, Does he love me as more than a friend, Hating being the best friend to the man you love, Explain why I love a friend, Should you be friends with someone you're in love with, and more...

UNREQUITED LOVE OBSESSION

Question: "Can you offer any advice on accepting friendship with someone you have romantic feelings for? How can two people experience the same connection in different ways? I feel as if I have met my soulmate. When we are together, it feels as if I've known him forever. I feel calm, comfortable and at ease in his presence. When I approached him about taking our friendship into a romantic direction, I found that my feelings were not reciprocated. However, he has remained a close friend, and the rare chances we get to spend together are very pleasant. When he's not present, however I find myself in an extreme state of anxiety, and sadness approaching deep despair. I have meditated on this and cannot seem to accept him as a friend. I'm at the point where part of me wants to toss away the friendship, but my love for him is real and his care and concern for me is quite evident. Can you suggest anything I can do or meditate upon that might help me connect with the Universe and accept that this relationship is not going to develop into anything further? I've not had an easy life, but I've rarely felt emotional pain on this scale. It has affected my job, my friendships and my health. If I'm right about he and I being some form of soulmates, how can our connection be so different?"

Psychic Advice:
Love can be compelling, but how we share and express love is a choice. When it comes to relationships, both people have Free Will and choice - this is true even with soul mate relationships. Being soul mates means that you are part of the same soul group or soul family - you are literally kindred souls. This is why you feel so comfortable and at ease with each other. However, being soul mates does not guarantee that you will be in an intimate relationship, or even that your relationship will be a pleasant one.

It may be that, although you have a sacred contract to be together in this lifetime, the contract is not about romantic love. You can be soul mates with a parent, a sibling, a friend, a child - you can feel the draw of soul mate love with someone but encounter boundaries that make it impossible to be in an intimate love relationship. In such a case, the relationship is meant to teach you about love itself, and how deeply you can feel for another person on a platonic level.

I have often said that we incarnate over and over again with members of our soul group and we play different roles for each other in order to help each other grow and evolve. We have sacred contracts with these souls, but we also have the Power of Free Will to override some aspects of these contracts - even to override aspects of our own destiny. This is not necessarily for the better, nor is it necessarily for the worse; it is simply a matter of choice, but it can be a choice based on fear.  The problem with this type of choice is that it also affects all the other souls involved, and can potentially alter or somehow affect their destiny as well.

When someone breaks a sacred contract with you, it is often extraordinarily painful and very difficult to let go of. Not only is there the pain of loss and abandonment, but there is also the pain of disappointment and betrayal. It is essentially rejection at the soul level. In essence, they may not actually be rejecting you, rather they may be resisting their own destiny, or they may be afraid of love at that depth. You may be able to see their highest potential and the potential of the relationship, but they are choosing not to rise to the occasion for their own reasons that you both will have to live with.

It is obvious that you are hating being the best friend to the man you love, and it is causing you a tremendous amount of pain not to be able to fulfill your desire for a soul mate partnership with him on an intimate level. You may be asking yourself, "Does he love me as more than a friend?", and the answer is most likely yes, however, he is choosing to maintain the friendship rather than to become intimate, and he has the right to make that choice. You are now faced with the choice of whether you love him enough to honor his choice.

Sometimes, if you are being needy, clingy or expressing energy of desperation, it can be very unattractive, to the point of being a turn off - neediness is repulsive, while confidence is attractive. There is a correlation between lack of confidence and unrequited love, because confidence is the thing that we tend to find most attractive in other people. You can try allowing yourself to feel and express more confidence and independence when you are with him, and when you are not with him. If you let yourself shine your light and express your confidence by embodying it, that energy becomes extremely attractive and he may find the idea of a relationship more attractive. However, you cannot force this issue, and you have no power over the outcome - you can only reclaim your power and confidence for yourself to make your life better by becoming more attractive to positive things in general, not necessarily to attract him.

You cannot override his boundaries, so you have the choice of whether to continue to love him as a friend, or to let go of the friendship altogether. This raises the question of whether you should be friends with someone you're in love with. That depends on whether you can overcome your own desire and allow it to transcend into divine love as opposed to personal love. If you met each other in some type of monastic existence where you had taken vows of chastity, then you would have to accept loving each other spiritually instead of physically (by the way, prior lifetimes with soul mates in monasteries/convents, etc. can affect and hamper intimate relationships with them in a present lifetime).

The problem is that if his withholding of physical love is causing you pain to the point of an unrequited love obsession, then you may need to let go of the friendship and cut the ties with him, because you cannot go on hating being the best friend to the man you love. If it is greatly affecting your work, your health and your friendships, then it has become obsessive and is now harming you. One of the reasons that you have the symptoms of an unrequited love obsession (such as anxiety, sadness and despair when you are not with him) is because you are leaking power and giving power away to this man. Essentially, his rejection has wounded your self-esteem, which was probably already wounded from the pain you have suffered in your life before. It is literally "gut wrenching", because it is not only affecting your heart, but also your solar plexus chakra at the base of your ribs, which is the center of your power and confidence.

If he continues to choose to remain friends, you must decide if you value the friendship, or if it is simply too painful for you - that choice is yours. In either case, you will need to cut cords that are binding you to him in order to release the unrequited love obsession and the pain it is causing you. In your meditation, imagine that you are holding a sword of light - this is the Sword of Truth. Wield this sword all around your body, cutting all the cords between you and him that are above you, behind you, in front of you and at your sides. Continue cutting until you feel that all of the cords have been cut - it's okay if you feel somewhat saddened. Imagine caressing your hand around your body to smooth out any of the little bits of "umbilical cords" that are still there, letting them fall away and dissolve; do this with a great deal of self-love and tenderness. Now release him from his contract with you, and let him go with love and forgiveness. You may need to repeat this exercise several times. Once these obsessive cords are cut, you will be able to know whether you can love him as a friend in your life, or whether you will need to let him go completely for this lifetime, and wait to be reunited as soul mates in another life together.

We believe that love is not supposed to hurt, but it is often through pain that we grow and evolve the most. Heartbreak actually breaks the heart open, giving you a greater capacity to feel more love and compassion, if you do not close your heart because of fear of pain. You can allow this situation to be a gift that he has given you to show you how deeply you can love, which will allow you to attract another soul mate with whom you can share deep intimate love and partnership (yes, you can have more than one soul mate, several in fact). On the other hand, you can allow this to scar you and embitter you, hardening you against love, which will cause you pain for the rest of this lifetime; it will also create the karma of pain that will bind you to this man, and which you will have to overcome in a subsequent lifetime in order to be together again. It is his choice to not be lovers, but it is your choice to love him and accept him unconditionally anyway, which is divine love instead of succumbing to an unrequited love obsession.


 Send this article to a friend (click here)

Copyright ©2009 Grace & Grace Associates Consulting, Inc. All Rights Reserved

"Responsibility is power. You have the power of choice.
You are always responsible for the choices you make and the actions you take."