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"Theories of Child Abuse" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries related to: Child abuse victims + abusing their own children, Effects of mental child abuse, Abusive mother spiritual pain negative energy, Preventions for child abuse, Adult problems with child abuse, Child abuse and long term effects, Negative emotional and physical effects of child abuse, Recession and child abuse, Child abuse effect in society. When a mother used abusive language with her children, Cause and effect of child abuse, Child abuse causes and effects, and more...

THEORIES OF CHILD ABUSE

Question: "I am a father married to a woman who has shown to be very abusive with our three children, both physically and psychologically. I have spoken to her in many ways and nothing seems to work with her. Today, she beat our 1-year-old baby girl twice for trying to grab her food with her hands. I just want to know what can I do in order to resolve this matter. Can you help?"

Psychic Advice:

This is such a huge, serious and painful issue; my heart is aching and I am honestly not sure if I can help, or if I am even able to properly answer this question. I will do my best to address the root cause of such child abuse from a spiritual perspective, and to provide tools that could be of help. I hope that I can do justice to this very important topic by providing theories of child abuse.

Your wife is a good person who is behaving badly because she feels bad; she does not know how to deal with extreme stress, pain and frustration. This does not excuse her behavior, but it is important to remove the judgment from her, because deep down she feels bad and guilty for what she had done, which only adds to her stress and pain, which perpetuates her abusive behavior. Many abusive people are not monsters - they do not want to hurt those they love, but they are in extreme pain and do not know what to do with it except to release it by inflicting pain on others.

Many people are abusive in different ways: some people are abusive toward others, some are self-abusive, and some are both. There are those who release their pain and frustration by hurting and cutting themselves because this releases the pressure. Some are verbally abusive toward co-workers, or bully people they feel are inferior to them, which gives them a feeling of power and superiority. Some people are physically aggressive and break things, hit walls, or drive with road rage. Some people abuse themselves with drugs, alcohol, or other self-destructive addictions that are intended to numb and relieve their pain, but which often unleash even greater abusive behavior.

Addicts are in pain which causes them to be self-abusive, abusers are in pain which causes them to be abusive to others; it is important to recognize, heal and empathize with this pain so we can stop the perpetuating pattern of pain and abuse from inflicting more pain and triggering more abuse. Feeling pain is at the root of inflicting pain. It is a demon-driven way of releasing pain temporarily that only spreads pain eternally.

Abuse comes from a feeling of being out of control and powerless - abusers and bullies seek someone weaker to dominate so they can feel powerful and in control. They feed off the fear of their victim, which empowers them. For a short time, they feel strong, but then they feel bad and weak for having hurt someone they love, which leaves them vulnerable to doing it again. It is truly a vicious cycle, one that is very similar to the highs and lows of drug or alcohol addiction, but the drug in this case is power. Power is what they are lacking, and power is what rushes through them when they are abusing, so abuse becomes a compulsion like an addiction. Many abusers don't want to do it, but they just "snap" and give in to the compulsive reaction. 

Essentially, most abusers are human pressure cookers who don't know how to release the pressure before they explode. They find it difficult to relax and therefore have no flexibility for dealing with situations as they arise. They are so tightly wound up and stressed on a constant basis that anything can set them off. Living with an abuser is like being with a ticking time bomb, but you never know when it will go off.

Children who live with an abusive parent must constantly navigate a minefield of unknown dangers; these children live in constant stress and fear, never knowing what might trigger the next attack. These children usually try to behave perfectly, to be good and do good so they don't upset their parents. Children almost always feel that whatever they experience is somehow their fault, especially if they are being verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused to believe that they are somehow bad people who deserve to be treated badly. Children who are abused will tend to become tense from fear and apprehension, which makes them wound up so tight that they will also have a tendency toward abusive reactions and behavior.

Living with any form of abuse in childhood will scar a child for the rest of his or her life, but it is possible to heal and recover, and many children who were abused go on to live relatively healthy lives. The wounds heal, but the scars remain. Sometimes the wounds from psychological or emotional abuse cut deeper than physical abuse, because with physical abuse, you can see the wounds heal and the bruises fade, but the bruises to the heart and mind do not go away. Children take everything literally and form their self-identity and view of the world according to what they are told by their parents and teachers during their formative years. Essentially, whatever we tell young children, especially with regard to them, becomes imprinted on their belief system and woven into the fabric of who they believe they are. This then colors and influences what they attract and experience, and how they react and behave for the rest of their lives.

We know that many (if not most) abusers were themselves abused in their own childhood. This does not excuse or condone their behavior, but it does explain it. Abuse is often a repeating pattern and a cycle of behavior that is passed down from generation to generation, or from one person to another - we teach what we know and learn. Those who bully or abuse in any way are in extreme pain, and have often learned that the way to relieve and release that pain is to inflict it on someone else. Very few abusers really want to hurt those they love, but they lash out at loved ones because they know that those they love will continue to love and forgive them, which they usually do.

The key is to stop the cycle of feeling bad, and to have different tools available to manage stress, pain and pressure. Abusing others is actually a form of addiction that is driven by guilt. The more a person feels bad and guilty, the more they become overwhelmed with a drive to release that pain, shame and guilt. When they do this in a way that hurts others, they then feel more pain, shame and guilt, which drives them to feel worse, which perpetuates the pain and pattern.

It is vital that you not cast guilt or blame on the abuser. Yes, they need to be encouraged to feel compassion and empathy toward those they are hurting, and remorse for their behavior, but they must not be made to feel any more shame, guilt or self-blame than they already feel. They must understand that they are not bad people, they are just acting out of bad behavior - this will allow them some power over their behavior rather than taking on the abusive identity of being bad, because feeling bad makes the problem worse. If they know and believe that they are a good person, they will have the ability to make good and positive choices.

Abusers are usually programmed from their childhood to believe that they are bad, that they do bad things, and that they should feel bad, so they operate from this belief system - this is part of the cycle of abuse that gets handed down from parent to child. Children who are abused believe that they are bad, that they do bad things, and that is why they deserve to be treated badly. Then they often grow up to become abusive, either to themselves, to others, or both.

Abusers are often driven into unconscious behavior by their rage, pain and frustration - they don't fully realize what they are doing until it is too late. They become blinded by rage, then filled with guilt and remorse afterward. However, abusers need to recognize that they have choice in the moment, and more importantly, that they have choice leading up to the moment. They must be aware of feeling the pressure building before it gets to the point of no return, and they need to create an alternate plan of choices and options, instead of allowing the usual chain of reactions that lead to an explosion.

Although it can be dangerous to leave young children alone, it can be more dangerous for a person with abusive tendencies to remain in a situation that is causing their blood to boil. They need to have a contingency plan, or several: "when this happens, I can do this, or this, or this". It can be really hard to reason with a 1-year-old baby, so your wife may need to move the child to a safe place, like a playpen or crib, then lock herself in the bathroom and run cold water on her face and the back of her neck until she feels calm. The child may be screaming, but at least it is safe. Your wife could also go outside, take a breath, or a very short walk, or some form of time out. Walking on grass, especially barefoot, can be very grounding and can release negative energy - so can leaning against a tree. Sometimes it can be helpful to have an actual punching bag (even the inflatable clown type) to allow the physical release of aggressive and violent energy in a safe way. Your wife could get a pillow and scream into it, or pound on a mattress. Essentially, she needs a safe way to release the pressure and frustration before it explodes.

Tell your wife that she can call you when she needs relief, even if it is just to talk. Or perhaps there is a friend or family member that she can call on for help when she just can't take anymore. She needs tools to be able to release the pressure whenever she feels it building, and not wait until she is exploding. Perhaps there are some good and helpful techniques from childcare experts, or television shows like "Supernanny" with Jo Frost that could give her ways to manage the children so motherhood is not so overwhelming.

People who hurt others, whether it is emotionally, physically or psychologically, are themselves in pain. Verbally abusive people are also in pain - they feel badly about themselves, and only feel better when they make someone else feel bad. They need to know that they are not bad people, but they need to understand that when they feel bad, they tend to behave badly. They need to have tools, choices and outlets for this energy. Some people can be helped by medication such as anti-depressants. Others need nurturing, like massage. Some have hormonal imbalances or vitamin deficiencies, and could be helped by medical or holistic intervention.

Some people feel so overwhelmed by the chores, responsibilities and pressures of life that they feel like they are drowning or suffocating. They have nothing left to give, and may resent those who need more from them, especially children who are completely dependent on them and whose needs are therefore incessant. They may feel like they are failing, or that they are never good enough. They need some way to fill themselves full emotionally and spiritually so they can feel some kind of peace and balance. They may need some type of creative outlet or hobby, some form of physical activity to move energy, or just some way to get out of the house alone to do something that they enjoy.

When your wife gets upset, stay calm and speak to her in loving ways from your heart. Focus the energy of love on her heart, and feel love and compassion for her, directing this energy into her heart. Be willing to give her a hug, but realize that she may find that confining and frustrating. Do not raise your voice, but offer her a break.

If your wife will let you touch her when she is upset, try to rub her back in a soothing way. Focus on imagining that any negative energy is being sent down through her body and visualize her releasing it into the ground. Rub her shoulders to release stress and help her relax, caress the back of her heart so she feels emotionally supported, and rub your hand down her spine to her tailbone repeatedly to release pent up aggression and frustration.


Some spiritual things you can do to help:
Imagine that your wife is surrounded in a bubble of soft pink light for love, then a bubble of soft green light for healing, and around both of those, visualize a bubble of soft blue light for calm. Imagine that above your wife's head, there is a huge sun that is sending a beam of white light down into your wife's head. See that this beam of light is filling and soothing your wife's heart, filling her heart full of love, peace, and joy, and healing her heart and her pain. See this beam of light filling her heart so full that it overflows, so that it fills your wife's entire body with beautiful white light. Imagine that this light pours down through your wife's body and out of her feet into the very core of the Earth, releasing any negative energy into the ground. See that your wife is a pillar of light connected to the sun above her, and the Earth beneath her. Now see her body so filled with light that it overflows from the top of her head and cascades down around her body, surrounding her with a bubble of protective white light. This light is the light of love - it is the most powerful force in the Universe. It will surround her with love and soothe her body, mind, heart and soul with light.

If your wife is willing to do this visualization for herself, it would be excellent for her to do it every morning first thing when she wakes up, and anytime in the day that she needs to feel filled with peace and calm. Otherwise, you can do this visualization for her in the morning and at night. You can also do this visualization for each of your children, to give them healing and protection; and you can do this visualization for yourself as well, so that you feel supported, protected and at peace.

You can also work with this situation on higher planes. Call upon the Universe through prayer, asking for peace and healing for your wife, your children, and your entire household and lineage. You can call upon angels to watch over your children, and to support and assist your wife throughout the day. You can talk to your wife's higher self while she is sleeping, telling her that she is loved, and that she is a loving and good person who needs to remain calm, at peace and flexible.

You can bring aromatherapy into the household, such as lavender for calm, or citrus for upliftment. You can burn white candles to purify the energy, and open the windows to release and cleanse the energy so the energy can move out of the house instead of building to a crescendo. You can visualize that the house is filled with divine white light that brings love, peace and calm to everyone. You can imagine that the doorways of the house are showers of light that cleanse negative energy from everyone who walks through them, leaving them calm and at peace.

Although abuse is not your children's fault, perhaps there are things you could do as a father to encourage them to be more co-operative in order to relieve some of the stress of motherhood from your wife. Try to avoid giving your kids drinks, cereals or snacks that are loaded with sugar. Teach your kids to pick up after themselves, and to help with the other children whenever possible. Hug your kids a lot, telling them how good they are, how loved and how lovable they are. Praise them often for the good things that they do; never tell them that they are bad, but explain to them what you believe is right and wrong, and why.

Praise your wife often also. A little recognition goes a long way. People need to feel appreciated, and this fills them up emotionally. Take your wife out on dates, or arrange for someone to take your children so you can create a romantic evening at home where you cook or order in (do not do this right after an abusive episode, however - just as with children, you do not want to create an association of a reward for bad behavior). Ask your wife what she needs in order to feel loved and supported, and how you can help. Tell her that she is a beautiful person and that you love her. Tell her that she is a good mother, and verbalize all the things that she does well.

Do what you can to relieve the pressure - give her a massage, bring home dinner, run a warm bath - just find some ways to give her a break. If these things are not helpful, then you need to seek out medical help and psychological attention for your wife, your kids and yourself. Anger management courses, or any kind of support group, can be very helpful for addressing what is really going on, with the support of people who will not judge because they have been there themselves.

Abusers are really crying out in pain, it is just so much more obvious to focus on the pain that they are inflicting rather than focusing on healing the pain that is causing them to inflict pain on others. This is why people who have abusive tendencies, whether it is toward themselves or others, can greatly benefit from counseling, either from a professional therapist or from a spiritual counselor. They should be lovingly encouraged to seek out such help and support, not because there is something wrong with them, but because they don't want to keep going through life feeling bad, living in pain, causing pain and perpetuating pain.

Children are resilient and can heal from abuse, but they can only heal once the pain stops. You cannot help or change someone else unless they want help and they want to change. If nothing helps your wife to change, then you owe it to your children to protect them and remove them from harms' way, no matter how much you love your wife.


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