Free Weekly Syndicated Advice Columns
Published Every Wednesday Afternoon (PST)

DEALING WITH AN ABUSIVE MOTHER

Question: "I am aware of the comment 'honor your parents', but my mother makes everything so difficult for me to talk and contact with her. Half of me is saying that I should not have contact with her, but the other half is telling me not to do so as God asked us to honor our parents. What is the right thing to do? Should we honor our parents if they constantly demean, insult, slander and dishonor us?"

Psychic Advice:
As children, we are completely dependent on our parents for love, for nurturing, for guidance, and for our very survival. Our parents become like gods for us, and their words and actions will often stay with us for the rest of our lives, whether or not we are consciously aware of them. Our parents mold and shape us like clay, influencing our thoughts and beliefs with theirs.

Most children instinctively seek to please their parents in order to receive love and nurturing, because rejection could mean death in the animal kingdom. Most children also come in with unconditional love and innocence, seeking only to love and be loved.

Our parents have been molded and shaped by their parents, and by their own education and life experiences. These factors have altered them from being the innocent and unconditionally loving children that they were born to be, and have influenced them to hold the thoughts, beliefs, feelings and behaviors that they now have.

In turn, our parents' thoughts and beliefs, feelings and behaviors imprint upon us, and our own children will be influenced by our thoughts, beliefs, feelings and behaviors. We will continue to pass along the legacy of our parents, our grandparents, our great-grandparents, and so on, until and unless we choose and decide to break the pattern of belief and behavior.

Whether we like it or not, we often become like our parents if we do not heal those issues and tendencies within ourselves, because we become what we judge. From a metaphysical perspective, this is part of the law of karma, because we must become and experience all things in order to develop compassion.

The first thing you must do to "honor your parents" is to have compassion for who they are and for what influenced them to become the person they are. No matter what they have said or done, the only way you can free yourself from the prison of the past, and from repeating the pattern in the present and future, is to forgive them. When a person acts in an abusive way, it is because they are in pain themselves. If you can forgive them for acting from a wounded place, just as wounded animals will lash out in order to protect themselves because they feel vulnerable, then you can prevent them from further wounding you.

The next step is to clearly recognize and accept who they are, and stop wishing they could be different. Most people get trapped in abusive relationships of all kinds because they hold the hope that if they could only do better, then the other person would change and they could have a wonderful relationship. This is a setup for failure and self-sabotage, because a person can only change if he/she wants to change, chooses to change, and then decides to make changes. Parents often do their best with the tools and beliefs that they have available to them, but unless they choose to heal themselves, they will not change. You are the one who is going to have to change in order to change the dynamics of the relationship.

There comes a time in life when we grow up and are free to be our own parent. We will always have an inner child that just seeks love, approval and acceptance, and it is up to us to be the parent to our inner child and give ourselves the love, approval, and acceptance that we need and deserve.

In dealing with an abusive mother, the first thing you need to do is set boundaries for yourself. Examine the relationship to see if there are better ways and times to communicate with her. For instance, it might be better to contact her by telephone or email, where you can more easily control the conversation and its duration, rather than seeing her in person. Also, there may be times of day, or days of the week that are better for communicating than others. If a parent has addictive or depressive tendencies, it may not be a good idea to call at night. If they are tired and work hard during the week, they may be more positive on the weekend, but not too early in the morning.

Parents can have a tendency to compete with their children, and even though they may say they want the best for their children, they may tend to put them down and hold them down so their children do not surpass them in terms of success or happiness. This is all too common. It can be best not to share anything that is too personal or too meaningful - nothing that could be used against you. With some abusive mothers, it can be helpful to distract them with some kind of decoy conversation regarding things that don't mean anything to you.

In dealing with an abusive mother, the key is to remember that we are all mirrors for each other, and whatever your mother is criticizing in you is really something that she judges in herself. Do not leave yourself open to seeking her approval, because that just gives her the power to judge you. Also, do not contact her simply out of guilt, because guilt gives your power away and will allow her to manipulate you. If you have the courage to stand up to her, you can very calmly say that you will no longer allow yourself to be treated in unloving ways by anyone anymore.

You can love your parents simply because you choose to be a loving person, but you do not have to like them or choose to be with them. Honor your parents by accepting who they are and not expecting them to be any different, but honor yourself first. Trust what feels right to you in each moment, and give yourself permission to love yourself first. This will make you whole, and will allow you to pass on a legacy of love, honor and acceptance to your own children.

  Did you enjoy this article?
click here To recommend it to a friend

Copyright ©2007 Grace & Grace Associates Consulting, Inc. All Rights Reserved

"Responsibility is power. You have the power of choice.
You are always responsible for the choices you make and the actions you take."