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DON'T GO CHANGING TO TRY TO PLEASE HIM

Question: "I was living with the man that I love very much and he moved out a month ago. He tells me that if I do certain things and prove to him I can do it on my own we may have a chance to work things out. But I feel that I am doing whatever he wants and I don't think it's getting me anywhere. I love him with all my being and I just don't know what to do anymore. HELP."

Psychic Advice:
The changes that you make in your life must be changes that you want to make for yourself, not for someone else. If you twist yourself into becoming someone else, then you are living a lie and wearing a mask just to try to please another person. Being inauthentic is a losing proposition because the other person never gets to see the real you, and you never get to be loved for who you truly are.

What your partner is offering is conditional love - he is telling you that the only way you have a chance of being loved and accepted is if you do things the way he wants you to do them. That is not love - that is manipulation, control and emotional blackmail.

On the other hand, he is asking you to prove that you can do things on your own, so he is encouraging you to be more independent. This would indicate that you may have been needy and dependent in this relationship, which can be suffocating. Neediness is not love, and it can push people away. Neediness is a never-ending hunger that sucks the life out of love and relationships.

In some ways, he is doing you a favor by encouraging you to prove that you can do things on your own. The key is that you must prove this to yourself, not to him, in order for you to fully claim your power and independence.

Many people tend to give so much of their power away in relationships that they completely lose themselves. They either do this through extreme neediness, or through trying to please the other person to such a degree that they actually become someone else. The major problem with this is that the person that your partner met and originally fell in love with no longer exists - she has disappeared. He is really asking you to be the independent and empowered person he sees in you, and that is what he finds attractive.

The way to reclaim your power is to start to do things on your own, especially the things that intimidate you. Each time you take such a step, give yourself recognition and credit, and feel yourself becoming stronger, more courageous and more powerful. You don't even have to tell him about the things you've done and accomplished, because your energy will show it. You don't have to stand before him like a child seeking a pat on the head. You will be standing taller, shining brighter, smiling more, and exuding more confidence. Confidence is the most attractive quality in a man or a woman, so once you empower yourself again, you will be irresistibly attractive.

What you can also do to reclaim your power and independence is to start to rediscover what you love in life and what makes you happy. Often, people who are pleasers lose touch with what they really enjoy because they spend all of their time and energy focusing on doing what others would enjoy. Once you start doing the things that give you joy, you will be happier and more vibrant, which is also attractive.

The ultimate way to really please those you love is to please yourself. Firstly, because you can never really please another person, or cause another person to feel anything that they don't truly choose to feel. Secondly, because doing things that give you pleasure is a form of self-love, not selfishness, and when you fulfill your own needs, you are no longer needy. If you allow yourself to do the things that are loving, nurturing and joyful to you, then you fill yourself with love and joy, so you have more love and joy to give and share. Giving to yourself allows you to feel fulfilled, and when you are full, you can give freely and sincerely.

Make sure that your motivation for making the changes that you are making is really so that you can feel better about yourself. If you are doing it simply to please your partner and to get his approval, then you are opening yourself to letting him judge and control you, which will only leave you feeling more powerless, helpless and inadequate.

The choice to change is yours, and you decide how you want to change. By becoming more independent, you will prove to yourself that you are more powerful than you thought you were, and you will be able to maintain your power and autonomy in any relationship.

The worst-case scenario is that you do everything to prove that you can do things on your own, and he still chooses to move on. In that case, at least you will be empowered to be on your own, and he will have done you that favor. If you let yourself be your authentic self and do the things that truly bring you joy, then you will attract the love and partnership that is true for you.

The only way that you can truly be loved in relationship is to be your true and authentic self. Stop trying to be someone else just to try to please your man. If the changes that he is suggesting are changes that you feel good about, then make those changes by all means. But if those changes make you feel uncomfortable, or like you are compromising yourself, or further losing yourself, then the real change you need to make is to change your partner.

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