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Advice Columns
Published Every Wednesday Afternoon (PST)
Say "NO" for some time
Question: "I would like some information about how to pace oneself and not take on more than you can chew - so to speak! I read your column weekly and think very highly of your advice. Would you send me something on this topic?"
Psychic Advice : Thank you for your question, and for your support of my column. There are many aspects to this question that impact people on all levels, so I am inclined to break this answer down into its physical, emotional, mental and spiritual components.
On the physical level, we are bound by time: there are only 24 hours in any given day, and only so much that a person can do or accomplish within that time, especially with the need for sleep being a factor that consumes quite a few of those hours. Time management is not the main issue, however, priorities are. The most important thing is to determine what is most important to you in life, then make sure that you are allocating the right amount of time and energy to those things. This must be based on what is important to you, not necessarily what is important to others; you will know what is important to you based on how you feel about it. Once you know what is most important to you, then you can assign priorities to the things on your "to do" list, and give them time and energy according to their priority level.
A big part of this question is emotional. Ultimately, it comes down to passion. When you have passion, you put a lot of energy into what you are doing, and you also get a lot of energy out of what you are doing. Passion is inspiring and motivating to you and to everyone around you, because it produces a tremendous amount of energy. The more you do with passion, the more it energizes you to do more, so it is important to find and focus on the things in life that you feel passionate about.
Conversely, when things in life are a chore and a "drag", they suck energy from you and drag you down, leaving you feeling tired and exhausted. One has choice here: one can choose not to do the things that drag one down, or one can change one's thoughts and attitude about them, and find a way to do them with joy and passion, and to make them fun. It is best to check in with yourself frequently to determine how you feel, and what you feel like doing at any given time.
When you feel like doing something, you will do it better and more efficiently, because you will have the energy for that task - and yes, there can be times when you actually "feel like" doing filing, washing dishes, cleaning the house, etc. Sometimes these things can be almost a form of meditation, if you are in the mood for doing it and in the right frame of mind. For some people, playing music or talking to a friend while you do "chores" can make these tasks more enjoyable. The key is to know yourself, and to know what works for you and what doesn't - follow your own rhythm and timing as much as possible, which makes everything flow more easily and productively.
Procrastinating, avoiding doing things, and leaving them on the back burner, or in the "to do" pile sucks a tremendous amount of energy. Every time you think of doing something, you are expending energy as if you are doing it, so if you have thought about a certain task that you have been putting off a hundred times, you have expended the energy of having done it a hundred times. It is best to either let these things go, or just get them done, because if you have a long list of things you have to do, your mind will be focused on all those things, which does not allow you to have all your energy and consciousness present and available for the task at hand. Your energy becomes fragmented and spread too thinly, leaving you unable to do or give your best to anything.
Eventually, if this "to do" list continues to mount up, it becomes a mountain which further drains energy, leaving a person feeling almost helpless, hopeless and powerless, and unable to surmount the weight of responsibility that is on top of them. This can become debilitating, robbing a person of their energy and passion for life. Under such extreme circumstances, it can be difficult to know where to even begin, and here again, it is essential to be patient, and to determine priorities of importance, tackling the most important things first, and taking the time and energy to focus on doing the job properly. Remember that if it is a chore, it will be more draining and take longer, but if you find a way to make it fun and interesting, then it will be rewarding, as you will get more out of it and you will do it more efficiently.
When you "want to do" something, it feels very different from the things you "have to do" or "should do". Wanting to do things gives you more energy, motivation and inspiration, which makes it more fun and enjoyable to do those things, and even to anticipate doing those things.
The things that you "want to do" are the best things to devote your time and energy to, because those are the things that you will give the most passion and energy to, and therefore you will get more energy and rewards out of them (remember that money is energy too, so when you get more energy out of things, you will also draw more prosperity, joy and abundance). The things you feel you "have to do" or "should do" will feel like chores, unless you change your attitude about them. There is nothing that we really have to do in life - it is all choice, and every choice has its consequences, both positive and negative.
Ultimately, attitude is everything, which comes down to the thoughts and frame of mind that you choose to hold. Your mental attitude will determine your outcome and experience of life, because your thoughts determine your actions and emotions, which determine how you feel and what you experience in life. This is why you must get clear in your mind and in your heart about what gives you joy, what you feel passionate about, and what is important to you in life, because this will help you to set your priorities and to make the best choices for yourself.
The word "no" gives you power, and is one of the greatest gifts that you can give to yourself and to others. "No" allows you to know and to state your truth, and to honor your own boundaries. Many people have a tendency to say "yes" to things automatically for a variety of reasons: to be nice, out of feelings of duty and loyalty, out of pride and honor, because they feel guilty if they say no, because they feel compelled to please others, because they think that "yes" is loving and "no" is rejection, because they feel they need to prove their worth, etc. Mostly, people say "yes" all the time because they have never given themselves permission to say "no".
At first, it takes courage to say "no" because we don't want to upset other people - we want to be kind and loving, and we want others to perceive us that way. However, if you say "yes" to something when you really should have said "no", you will feel upset, angry, resentful, and even bitter, none of which is loving or kind, to yourself or to the other people involved. These emotions will affect your health and wellbeing, and will also affect your energy, which affects the way people perceive you. This is the type of person who is smiling and selfless on the outside, but you can't get near them because of the pain, sacrifice, and martyrdom that you feel from their energy.
"No" is not a rejection, it is a sign of respect. If you say "no", it means that you respect and love yourself enough to honor your own truth, and that you respect and honor the other person enough to be truthful and honest with them. If that person chooses to get upset in the face of your truth, it means they were not respecting you, and that is their issue. We teach people how to treat us: if you give money every time someone asks you for money, you will have more people asking you for more money more often. If you draw your boundaries and respect your truth, others will respect you, even if they don't like it at first.
Integrity is about being integrated and whole - it is about knowing your truth, honoring your truth, speaking your truth and following your truth. One way to know what is true for you is to allow your mind to communicate with your heart through the bridge of your intuition - your own inner knowing. The easiest way to do is to "feel things out": whenever you have a choice to make, close your eyes and feel how it feels inside you. If you feel tense, uncomfortable, full of dread, anger, resentment or fear, then you must say "no" because it is not true or comfortable for you. If you feel peace, joy, excitement or passion inside you, then it is true for you to say "yes". The next time someone asks anything of you, take a moment to assess how it feels to you before you give an answer - you can say "give me a minute to think about that", or "I'll get back to you on that".
Often, people who take on too much are doing it to prove their worth. Spiritually, we are all worthy simply because we are. We do not really have to prove our worth to ourselves or to anyone else, but many of us think we do. We think that if we just do more, it will give us more and make us more, but it often just makes us feel more tired and depleted. More is not necessarily better.
We are not here to do everything, we are here to focus our time and energy on those things that only we can do, because that is our life purpose, and that is the contribution that we have come to make - that is our piece of the puzzle, and the puzzle is not complete without our piece. The key is to find how your piece fits, and to do that, you must find what gives you joy and passion in life, because that is your life purpose.
It is best to accept that you may not be able to do it all. You may need to let go of those things that are not meaningful or important to you, or else you can ask for help or hire help to do those things. There will always be more to do in life - there will always be more dust, more meals to make or clean up after, more paperwork to deal with, more emails, more people to care for, more weeds in the garden, but there is also always more joy available in every moment as well.
Don't try to do everything, prioritize what gives you the most joy and meaning in your life, and focus your time and energy on doing that as well as you can. Allocate time for the chores in life, and try to find ways to enjoy them so they give you energy rather than draining your energy. Say "yes" to what feels good, and "no" to what doesn't, or find a way to do it that feels more comfortable and joyful.
We all have the power of choice - use this power wisely. Life is a buffet, if you take something that looks good but turns out to not be to your liking, you can leave it on your plate without feeling guilty. No one says you have to eat everything on your plate, so don't be a glutton for punishment. Let go of worrying about other people's judgments and what others think - you cannot really please others, you can only please yourself. It is your life and only you can make yourself happy in it, so find your own rhythm and your own pace to do what gives you joy.
Copyright ©2005 Grace & Grace Associates Consulting, Inc. All Rights Reserved
"Responsibility is power. You have the power of choice.
You are always responsible for the choices you make and the actions you take."
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