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"1How do I get over resentment and anger" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries related to: , How to forgive when you still have pain and anger, Anger leads to jealousy and pride, Anger how it affects your health, Anger and the effects it has on your life, Anger that leads to health problems, Is anger management effective, & more...

HOW DO I GET OVER RESENTMENT AND ANGER?

Question: "I have recently realized I am a very angry person. I have always blamed others for making me angry, but now I am realizing it is me who has the problem. I know my anger stems from my childhood. I would like to know what is the best way to deal with getting rid of this destructive emotion. I can get very angry at even the smallest things. And the anger is way out of proportion to what has occurred. Also, as time goes on this issue seems to be getting worse and more out of control. Please help."

Psychic Advice:
In order to address how to get over resentment and anger, we must first understand the nature of anger, the different kinds of anger, and the various causes of anger and resentment. Anger is a huge issue in our world today - many people live in constant stress and feel like a pressure cooker that is about to explode, and sometimes anger is their only form of release. This is the "New York cab driver" approach to life, where you honk your horn, curse at everything, and wish that everyone would just get out of your way. Unfortunately, you cannot control external situations, but you can choose how you respond and react to them. Anger is a response and a reaction to life's circumstances, but it is not the only response or reaction available - therefore anger is a choice.

Our thoughts and experiences trigger emotions, but we do not all respond the same way to the same experiences - what makes one person angry might make another person laugh (and that person's laughter might even make the angry person angrier!). Part of the human experience is to feel a full spectrum of emotion, including anger - emotions are the colors with which we paint the canvas of our lives. Emotions enrich our lives and deepen our experience. Even negative emotions such as grief, sadness, and anger are all natural human emotions that serve a purpose in each person's life.

Even the Dalai Lama admits to feeling anger from time to time - the key is not to hold onto it, and not to let it be your first response, your most frequent response, or your default reaction. A true emotion is a response to what is occurring in the moment, and once that emotion is felt, it is released. A child experiences pure emotion from one moment to the next: laughing, then crying, then laughing again. If you hold onto an emotion such as anger longer than the moment in which it is triggered, you will build resentment. Rage and resentment are the buildup of anger and grudges over time, which fester in the heart and soul, and causes dis-ease in the body and mind.

Being resentful is not an emotion, it is a state of being, and it is a choice. Peace and joy are not emotions either - they are both states of being, and they are also choices. When you choose to live in the state of peace and joy, then you may still feel anger from time to time, but it will not last, because you will soon return to your normal state of peace and joy. The same is true when you live in a state of anger - you can feel peace and joy from time to time, but they will not last because you will soon return to your "normal" default state of anger. In order to change your state of being, you need to change your statement of being an angry person. Let go of anger as part of your identity, release anger as your automatic response to everything, and be willing to live in a state of peace and joy. So, how do you get over resentment and anger?

First, remember that anger serves a purpose, so the key is to understand what purpose anger is serving in your life. Anger is a form of protection: when anger is triggered, it sends a message that you need to defend yourself, so anger is a defense mechanism. Animals attack for two reasons, either for food, or for protection - if an animal is angered, it often feels provoked or attacked and will seek to defend itself. Anger itself can be a defensive strategy to push other people away and keep them from getting close to you - if you have been hurt by people in the past, particularly in childhood, you may have difficulty trusting people, and anger is a sure way to keep people away. The problem is that anger does not allow you to really attract or experience love or joy, because anger is a repulsive energy, which is the exact opposite of attraction. Anger has the power to push all good things away. Think about it - would you want to be with a joyful person or an angry person? Most people would not consciously choose to be with an angry person, because anger is uncomfortable.

The fact that anger causes people discomfort makes anger a great tool for controlling other people through intimidation. Some people manipulate others with anger and displeasure. This is true of bullies, some bosses, family members, teachers, and some people in positions of power and authority who misuse their power by threatening others with the fear of their anger and the consequences and repercussions of making them angry. Those who have been abused by anger often learn to repeat the pattern of anger as a form of defense and self-preservation.

People who get angry at the smallest things have often been repressing anger for a long time, pushing anger down (sometimes with food, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol or other addictions) because feeling anger is not acceptable. What happens when you keep sweeping your emotions under the rug is that it builds a mountain, until the mountain one day explodes like a volcano. Anger is a very volatile emotion, and it cannot be held back forever - one day the dam will break and the anger will create a flood of emotion that can ruin everything in its path unless the anger is released in a healthy way.

There are many causes of anger, and many healthy ways of releasing anger on all levels.

Physical reasons for anger:

- Pain and headaches - when people are in physical pain, they often lash out at others
- Liver or gallbladder toxicity - doing a cleanse for the liver and gallbladder can relieve anger; drinking dandelion tea can be helpful for this purpose
- Drugs can alter and affect mood and behavior - this is true for prescription drugs as well as illicit drugs
- Addiction often masks anger, especially to smoking - that is why someone who quits smoking is often angry and grumpy, and is also why people can be grumpy before they get their morning fix of caffeine
- Sugar can cause mood swings, and sugar can trigger anger, especially during sugar highs or lows
- Allergies and food sensitivities can be a root cause of anger - an allergy is the body trying to defend itself and fighting off what it sees as a foreign invader
- Parasites can definitely trigger anger and food cravings
- Constipation can cause anger, and anger can trigger constipation; if you are uptight and angry, you may have difficulty releasing and letting go.
- Of course, PMS and hormones can greatly affect mood and cause anger
- Lack of oxygen, fresh air, exercise and vitamin D can all contribute to anger and moodiness. In order for the body to feel good and to maintain wellbeing, the energy systems need to flow properly, otherwise stagnation and energy blockages occur that eventually develop into disease.

Physical ways to overcome anger:

Maintaining a good healthy diet of fresh fruits and vegetables and lots of water is very important to support your sense of wellbeing. Some people find that eating a vegetarian, vegan or raw food diet makes them feel more at peace. We are affected by the energy in our food and water, and by the energy of all those who handle and prepare our food and water (have you ever noticed that if you cook when you are angry the food usually does not taste very good, and if you cook with love in your heart, the food often tastes delicious?) The energy and emotions that animals feel because of the way they are treated on farms and when they are slaughtered directly affects the meat we ingest, and how it affects us. Eating kosher, halal, or meats raised by Quakers, Mennonites, or organic farmers, usually have a higher vibration and are therefore more health promoting. Calisthenics can help release stress and anger: squeeze your fists and tighten all of your muscles in your body as tight as you can, hold it and you’re your breath, then let go, drop your shoulders, relax and breathe - do this a few times to release stress. Exercise raises endorphins, which elevate mood. Aggressive exercise such as martial arts or kick-boxing can help release anger and aggression from the body, as can pounding a mattress or screaming into a pillow. Detoxification and cleanses can be very helpful, especially using infrared heat to release toxins. Sometimes anger can be triggered by mold, chemicals, cleaning products, EMF, power lines or environmental pollutants - wearing an EMF protector like a Q-link, AMpendant or scalar technology can be extremely helpful (you can contact me for more information on this).

Emotional reasons for anger:

- Depression - for some depressed people, anger can be a pulse that keeps them from feeling dead
- Stress - when stress continually builds, it can eventually cause someone to erupt like a volcano
- Overwhelm - feeling overwhelmed can create a sense of panic and anxiety, so anger gives a feeling of power and control when someone feels powerless and helpless
- Feeling inadequate or inferior - this can trigger anger toward the self and jealousy toward others (jealousy is a form of anger and attack)
- Hurt - anger can be like a pearl protecting you from feeling hurt and pain
- Unmet needs - Living with takers, or putting yourself last on your list can drain your joy and life force.
- Feeling unloved or unlovable - giving without receiving, and feeling lonely and unappreciated, can lead to anger and resentment and depression.
- Grief - it is often easier for people to feel anger than to try to manage the overwhelming feelings of grief
- Self-loathing and self-criticism - attacking yourself repeatedly with anger leads to self-destruction
- Fear - Like animals, people can lash out in anger when they are wounded or in pain - anger makes them fierce when they feel vulnerable and afraid, so anger serves as a protection to keep people away and keep them from hurting you further.

Ways to overcome emotional anger:

Don't get angry at yourself for feeling anger - try to have compassion and understanding for yourself regarding what is triggering your anger and discomfort, then do what you can to shift the circumstances, or alter your reaction to them.  Gardening, nurturing plants or animals are powerful ways to ground yourself and to release anger (do not take your anger out on the plants or animals!). Volunteering and taking care of people who are in more pain than you are will make you feel better about yourself and your life. Doing things that are self-nurturing and self-loving, like getting a facial or massage, especially with aromatherapy, can be very healing. Take a walk, take a break, take a breath. Sometimes just taking time for yourself to do nothing, to sleep in, take a hot bath or read a book can be just what you need to feed your heart and soul - make yourself a priority in your life in order to overcome anger and resentment.

Mental reasons for anger:

- Mental chatter, negative viewpoints, pessimism - negative thoughts lead to negative emotions, which lead to negative energies which attract negative experiences, so negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- Judgment and self-judgment - the energy that you put out comes back to you. Judging others is a form of attack, as is self-judgment. There is no need to hurt yourself or others. Look for the good/God in all.
- Disagreement does not have to cause anger - you can agree to disagree with someone, a disagreement does not have to turn into a fight. Try to see the other person's point of view, even if you don't agree with it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and everyone is right for himself or herself. Righteousness is not right, and righteous anger is not justified.
- Some mental disorders can trigger anger, rage and violence - head injuries, bi-polar disorders, autism, and other conditions can create volatility and unpredictable mood swings.
- Bullying, control, and abuse - being the victim or the victimizer can trigger feelings of anger that derive from feeling helpless, inferior, insecure and powerless, and using anger as a way to overcome and cover up feelings of vulnerability.
- Impatience and frustration- resistance causes pain, and pain can trigger anger. Frustration is a negative reaction to something not going your way. Impatience is simply a matter of choice regarding how you treat yourself and others, and how you manage your time and energy. Try to be creative in times when you might be impatient - plan ahead and be pro-active to mitigate and manage your state.

Mental ways to overcome anger:

Keep a journal to unburden your thoughts and release your emotions in a healthy way. Write a letter, or talk to the people you have grievances against to get it off your chest - you can choose whether you actually send the letter or not, or whether you talk to them personally, or just talk out loud to their Higher Self. Finding a counselor or support group can be very helpful, especially if you are angry about childhood issues. Healing techniques such as hypnosis, EFT, EMDR, and others can be very helpful for releasing deep-seated anger. Talking to a friend or someone you trust can be very supportive, but remember that venting and complaining can sometimes escalate the anger, so make sure you are letting go and not just gossiping or bitching. You can read self-help books on anger or embracing your shadow. Playing a musical instrument or listening to music can soothe anger, but make sure it is soothing music and not lyrics filled with anger, violence or hatred. Being creative can redirect destructive emotions into creative energy, and will give you something to focus on positively and enjoy accomplishing.

Spiritual reasons for anger:

- Taking things personally - the Universe does not do things to you, the Universe does things for you. Everything that you experience serves a purpose in your life. Your response and reaction to your experiences determines the outcome of your experiences, and also determines how you experience them.
- Feelings of entitlement - thinking that the world owes you something will only leave you feeling disappointed; you get out of life what you put into it, because like energy attracts like energy. 
- Unmet expectations - having expectations is a way of trying to control the outcomes in life, but we have no control over anyone or anything else, and expectation only leads to disappointment. Better to allow everything to be a pleasant surprise, and to allow the Universe to deliver to you in ways that are greater than you could ever expect or imagine
- Using anger as a form of control - when people feel helpless or powerless, they either become afraid or angry. Anger is an attempt to try to feel in control, but control is an illusion. Faith is much more powerful and rewarding.
- Disappointment in self, life and others - repeated disappointment in life can lead to feelings of anger toward life itself, mistrust of life and of love, and even anger toward God
- Resentment and bitterness - feeling that life is unjust and unfair can lead to long-term anger that eats away at the soul and the body, killing the spirit over time
- Feeling like a victim - there is a difference between having been a victim of pain, and feeling like a victim. Victimization will paralyze you, which only feeds your power to your victimizer and lets them win. Allow yourself to reclaim your strength and power, for what does not kill you can make you stronger, if you allow it.
- Ancestral patterning - if you grew up in an angry environment, then you learned anger instead of love, but you can break the chain of reactions at any time by choosing love over anger, because love overcomes all things and heals all things.
- Lack of faith and trust - getting angry when things don't work out or go your way is not believing in Divine right order and the perfection of all that is. There is a reason and a purpose for everything, even if you can't see it or understand it - if you simply accept it, you will have peace.
- Feeling different, left out, passed over - everyone in this world is unique and different, yet we are all taught that we must try to be the same, which is impossible. Do not buy into the media driven sales pitch that tells you that you are inadequate or inferior so you will buy everything under the sun in order to be like everyone else. Embrace your unique gifts, and let yourself shine instead of dimming your light in anger, depression and resentment.

Spiritual ways to overcome anger:

Breathe deeply and relax - let the breath of life nourish your body, mind, heart and soul. Meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, crystals, and anything that gives you a feeling of spiritual nurturing and support can overcome anger - do not succumb to impatience or resistance, because at first change may feel uncomfortable until you relax into it. You can connect with the Divine, or write a letter to God, or even vent at God (the book series "Conversations with God" started off as venting anger). Don't take things personally, try to put yourself in other people's shoes to understand what is driving their behavior - don't have to condone it, but accept it.

Forgiveness heals all wounds (but not necessarily the scars). The five spiritual steps to forgiveness and reclaiming your power are: 1) put yourself in the other person's skin and ask yourself what made them behave the way they did, what made them be that type of person; 2) allow yourself to feel compassion for the pain and insecurity that drove their behavior; 3) with compassion comes forgiveness - you do not condone their behavior, but you release yourself from the bond of pain and spiritually cut the ties to that person at that time and cut the ties holding you in that pain; 4) look for the gifts that you received from the situation and since that time; 5) Embrace and own those gifts because you earned them - feel grateful for those gifts, and if you can, feel grateful to the person who brought them to you. This is how you reclaim yourself and your power in the past, present and future through forgiveness, empowerment and gratitude, because anger gives power away, leaving you feeling powerless.

Anger in childhood comes from not getting your needs met. The way to free yourself from this anger is to find the way to forgive everyone, including yourself, for whatever caused you to feel pain and anger. Holding on to the pain and anger is only serving to hold you back and keep you trapped in the pain of the past. The next step is to find the ways to meet your own needs now, to the best of your ability. Stop being angry or frustrated by what you feel is not in your life, or by what you believe you cannot do, and start focusing on doing whatever you can to give yourself peace, joy, wellbeing and prosperity now. It is never too late to have a happy childhood, you just have to let yourself play in the game of life instead of sitting on the sidelines watching others enjoy themselves and feeling left out, because this builds resentment.

Children are now becoming increasingly angry and aggressive, partially as a result of increased adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormone) released from watching increasingly violent and aggressive video games, television shows and movies. The body does not know the difference between something real or a fantasy (which is why thinking of eating a lemon can make your mouth salivate, or thinking certain fearful thoughts can make your heart race), so the body is responding to violent war games as if it is as war, which increases anger and aggression.

When you are in a state of anger, you attract things to be angry about. Like attracts like energy, so when you brace yourself for anger and disappointment and hurt, then you attract situations that cause you anger, disappointment and hurt - even if the situation itself may be innocent, you will find a way to see it in a hurtful or angry way as a response and reaction. You attract everything and everyone that resonates on the wavelength of anger, so you will tend to attract other angry people as well.

If you are unhappy, you have three choices: 1) You can change the way you see the situation; 2) You can change the way you react and respond to the situation; or 3) You can try to change the situation itself. You also have a fourth choice, which is to continue to resist what is, to remain angry, unhappy and uncomfortable, and to blame the world for not changing. If you keep holding onto anger, it means that you would rather die than change, because anger affects your health in many ways. Anger can cause headaches, rashes, breakouts, laryngitis, teeth grinding, jaw clenching, and even impotence. Prolonged resentment and anger can raise your blood pressure, cause sleeplessness, and contribute to heart disease and stroke. 

Anger drains you of life force, which is why it is so destructive. It eats away at your body, heart, mind and soul, like a cancer, and it grows until it becomes cancerous and takes over your life. Anger gives power away, leaks power, leaves you feeling powerless and helpless, which makes you more angry. Remember that anger is a response, but it is not the only response available to you. Take a moment to pause, take a deep breath, and relax. Break the chain of reactions. As you breathe, sit back or step back to get a little distance and perspective on the situation. Look at how many ways you could react and respond to the situation, and choose if anger is your best response. Ask yourself if you are taking something personally, and see if there are any other perspectives you could choose to see the situation from. See if there is anything you could laugh at, even if it means laughing at yourself.

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