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"Signs of fear of intimacy in relationships" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries related to: Fear of vulnerability relationships, Disinterest vs nervous fear relationships, Relationship fear lack of interest, Get over fear of dating
SIGNS OF FEAR OF INTIMACY IN
RELATIONSHIPS: Get over fear of dating
Question #1: "I am a 21 year-old girl. I don't know what is wrong with me, I'm starting to believe that I'm not lucky. All my relationships end before they begin after first date. All my friends and relatives are married or engaged, even my sister. I'm starting a date but I'm so afraid, you can't imagine how much I suffered. I don't want to be alone any more. Note: I'm so sweet and honest, friendly, sensitive person. Thanks."
I can feel your anxiety, pain, and desperation; these are all signs of fear of intimacy in relationships, but there are ways to get over fear of dating. First you must realize that love is not a competition or a race. Don't be in such a hurry to be in a relationship or to be married, simply because you don't want to be alone. This fear will not allow you to attract the right person into your life. Fear of being alone is actually the same energy as the fear of love and intimacy in a relationship. Fear of anything will cause you to attract what you don't want, not what you do want.
The energy that you are putting out expresses anguish, impatience, insecurity and self-doubt; these energies are not attractive, in fact, they tend to repel other people. No matter how attractive you are, or how sweet, honest, friendly, and sensitive you are, the underlying energies of anxiety and desperation are pushing people away.
Humans interact with each other on many levels, much the same way that animals do. We are attracted to other people by the way they look, the way they sound, the way they smell, the way they walk or carry themselves, the way they talk, the way they move or act, etc. These things can either be attractive or unattractive, depending on the individuals involved. These are all the things that strike us about a person consciously and unconsciously when first encounter them.
There is also the energy of chemistry or animal magnetism that people can feel between them - it is a type of electricity or electromagnetic energy that draws two people together. These are some of the criteria that determine physical attraction, but there are other levels of energy that are more subtle, and therefore more difficult to consciously perceive, yet they have a far greater impact than we realize.
Various studies have shown that most of our communication is non-verbal; one study at UCLA indicated: "up to 93 percent of communication effectiveness is determined by nonverbal cues". This is not limited to facial expressions or body language, although those have a huge impact on how we perceive and relate to each other. Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, we are all picking up on energies from the people, places and things that are around us, and we are affected by these energies.
One of the ways that we express our energy is through our aura, which is the energy field that surrounds every individual and everything on Earth. We use the phrase, "She has a certain aura about her", which means that a person has a certain energy that other people can perceive. Our aura can tell the world many things about us. Those who can see auras can tell a person's moods and feelings by the colors in their auric field; the aura can also show whether someone is healthy or not.
A person who is attractive will tend to have an aura that is bright and glowing, which other people can sense even if they don't actually see auras. A person who is angry or afraid can have a jagged aura that is designed to keep people away, whether they realize it or not.
In order to get over fear of dating, you must find a way to feel more confident and comfortable within yourself. Before you go out on a date, you probably spend a lot of time deciding on every detail of what to wear, but you may not be paying attention to the energy that you are expressing.
Once you are dressed for a date, take a few moments to close your eyes and relax. Imagine that there is a beautiful bubble of smooth white light glowing all around you. Now imagine that this light around you is also bathed in soft pink and gold light - feel the calmness, peace and warmth of this light that surrounds you. Feel yourself shining in a beautiful light of joy, serenity and confidence. Then open your eyes and look at yourself in the mirror - see yourself smiling with the light of love and peace surrounding you, and see yourself emanating light from your eyes, from your smile, and all around you. Within this light of love, you are infinitely attractive, and profoundly safe and protected, so you don't need to be afraid anymore.
When you are with your date, stay centered and calm in this light. Let yourself radiate this light, and relax. Don't feel pressure to make conversation, just listen, share and inquire - let the conversation flow. If there are moments of silence, just smile and look into your date's eyes. If you feel yourself getting nervous or speeding up your conversation or feeling awkward, just take a deep breath and imagine the white/pink/golden light shining all around you. This will allow the beauty of your sweetness, honesty, sensitivity and friendliness to shine through, and to be infinitely attractive so other people don't see the signs of fear of intimacy in relationships anymore when they are with you.
Question #2: "I was wondering if you might know when I might start dating, finding my soul mate. I have this one girl who I've been interested in. We stay in the same apartment complex and go to the same university. I would love to ask her out but I'm afraid of weirding her out and have her think that I'm being too forward. My friends are sometimes surprised when I tell them how I've never had a girlfriend before and I'm already 23 years old. I know that school and work are important, I just wish that I could be in that group of people that have both and not have to keep playing the waiting game anymore. I've sent her messages on Facebook asking to hang out, but she hasn't responded to them so I don't know if she is ignoring me or just too busy to respond."
You have been hiding behind your work, your studies, your computer, your apartment, etc., and this type of isolation exhibits signs of fear of intimacy in relationships. The longer you hide, the more you will develop fear of vulnerability in relationships, so you can't really win at the waiting game.
You express yourself well in writing, but it feels like you are quite withdrawn in public, particularly with women. Your current activities with friends may not be supporting you to interact and communicate with women, so you are seeking that communication through the computer. Many people are doing this these days, because people tend to lead lives that are more and more socially isolated, but the computer is a virtual reality, and interaction via the computer is only virtual interaction.
It may seem easier to ask someone out electronically because you don't risk facing the pain and humiliation of personal rejection, however, it is also easier for someone to ignore another person's electronic advances because they can reject someone without having to face them. You are making it easier for her to ignore you by not taking the risk of being direct and forward.
However, before you ask her or anyone out on a date, you must first get over fear of dating. People may be attracted to others because of the way they look, but how someone acts is often more important in determining how attractive they really are. Most women say that the most attractive things in a man are his confidence and sense of humor.
Your social skills may need to be developed if they have gotten rusty or awkward. First, you need to join groups with real live people, not just virtual socializing. You need to connect with people who share your interests, and if you find that those groups are mostly male, then expand your horizons and be willing to try new things: take cooking classes, join film or book clubs, attend spiritual groups or self-help seminars (these tend to be highly populated with women).
Let yourself communicate and connect with other people - take the risk to interact, don't wait for someone to come to you. You don't have to be forward, you can just chat, and if the conversation is flowing well then take the next step to ask that person if they would like to continue the conversation over coffee. You can get over fear of dating by letting it be casual and easy for awhile with no pressure. You can release the fear of rejection by telling yourself that every "no" only brings you closer to a "yes".
You can't let fear of vulnerability in relationships stop you anymore, or you will risk continuing to hide and avoid relationships in your life. Is risking the pain of rejection really worse than risking the pain of enduring loneliness?
In order to get over fear of dating, you need to develop more self-confidence and project an aura of confidence to others. One way to do this is to put your right hand or both hands over your solar plexus at the base of your ribs (about where your diaphragm is) - this is your power center. Take a deep breath and relax, sit back and center your consciousness in your solar plexus where your hands are. This allows you to command energy and to center yourself in your power and confidence. Whenever you feel nervous, touch your solar plexus like Napoleon, and allow yourself to relax and sit back in your power. This will support you to express yourself with power and confidence immediately in any situation.
You must also be willing to come out of your shell and shine your light for the world to see who you truly are. At this time, the girl you are interested in (and most women) cannot really see you because you are hiding, even when you are right in front of them. Before you leave your apartment, visualize a bubble of white light shining all around you - the light of the white knight that lets everyone see who you really are while it also protects you.
When you feel more confident in yourself and in your social interaction with others in person, you can be more forward and ask out the girl that you are interested in. Don’t just ask her to "hang out", try to find out what she is interested in and invite her to do something you know she likes. But first, remember to shine your light and center yourself in your confidence in order to get over fear of dating.
Question#3: "I like a boy from school and I swore he liked me too. When its after school and it is just us, he can't stay away from me. When its with everybody else during school, I have to say hi to him first, but we don't talk because he listens to his friends. But somewhere I know he still likes me. Does he or am I mistaking it for something that is isn't? Will he ever show a sign that he still wants to talk to me?"
Similar to this boy, many people are so caught up in worrying about what other people think of them that they allow other people to influence their behavior. We might like to think that we grow out of this as adults, but many people do not. It is a sign of personal insecurity and self-doubt to be controlled by the fear of what other people may think. This type of self-consciousness is very normal in the awkward years of adolescence, but many people experience this throughout their lives more often than they would care to admit.
Relationship fear can be expressed as lack of interest, so how do you know if it is true disinterest vs. nervous fear of relationships? How he acts when he is alone with you is the indication of how he really feels about you. How he acts when he is with his friends is an indication of how insecure he feels within himself. Often, friends tease each other because of their own insecurities and jealousy. Just keep smiling and saying "hi" quietly when you see him, and try to find ways to bump into him when his friends are not around. The more confidence you express, the more it may inspire him to be stronger and more confident. Don't allow his insecurity, or the insecurity of his friends, to make you feel insecure about yourself.
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