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"HOW DO YOU HAVE A BETTER SEX LIFE"?
(Sexual PROMISCUITY VERSUS MONOGAMY)

Question: "I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 3 years. We met while we were both attending school abroad and in order to be together we moved to the same city and lived together soon after first going out. I love her very much and have a hard time picturing life without her, but I am not completely happy. This is my first real relationship and she is only the second person I've been with intimately. Our sex-life hasn't been that great and I worry about only having been with two people. I find myself constantly thinking of wanting to take a break just to sleep with other people and getting it out of my system. Everything else is perfect, what should I do?"

Psychic Advice:
Sexuality is a very important part of intimate relationships, but it is not the most important thing. Trust is far more important, and once trust is breached, it is very difficult to repair. Trust is essential to all types of relationships, because people only feel safe to share themselves and open up to those whom they trust. Trust is even more essential in intimate relationships, because the nature of intimacy is to open oneself to connect with another on the deepest levels. 

If you "take a break" from your relationship, you will hurt your girlfriend very deeply; you may even risk losing her forever. Even if you get back together, the wound you cause her will scar and change her, and your relationship will never be the same again.

By the same token, if you are constantly thinking about sleeping with other women, then you are already being mentally and emotionally unfaithful. It is normal to have occasional fantasies about other people, but this may be becoming a bit of an obsession for you, driving you to distraction.

It is natural to be attracted to something new, because we often find newness to be exciting and intriguing. New flirtations make the heart beat faster and cause adrenaline to pump because it is unknown, and there is risk involved. This is part of the thrill of the chase.

The saying that "familiarity breeds contempt" refers to the fact that we tend to get bored with what is familiar and the same. But monogamy does not have to mean monotony. There are many ways to have a better sex life that don't involve promiscuity.

Instead of starting something new with someone else, try starting over again with your partner. Start dating again, dressing up and going out. Take her shopping for new clothes, and tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. Take her dancing and hold her close on the dance floor. Kiss her neck, her shoulders, and other erogenous zones to awaken her sensuality.

Start to change your routine, and introduce new activities in your relationship, not just in the bedroom. Talk to each other about what you like to do, how you want to feel, and things you would like to try. You can have a box where you each write ideas of things you want to do on a piece of paper, and each week you try one out - these can be sexual activities, but they don't have to be limited to that. Sometimes just trying something you've always wanted to do is exhilarating and adds excitement to the relationship.

Often, when people have a desire to change and move on to something new, it can be to avoid going to a deeper level of intimacy. If everything else is perfect in your relationship, it may be worth taking steps to move closer toward each other, because the depth of love is always more fulfilling than superficial pleasure and satisfaction.

Try doing things that deepen intimacy and build trust. You can take baths together, take a class in intimate massage, or study tantric sex. There are books and videos that teach techniques for better sex that you can both look at together (although pornography is not necessarily helpful). Communication is often the best way to deepen intimacy, it will create a deeper level of trust and can allow you both to feel safe to communicate your needs and desires.

If you still feel that you must be with other people in order to "get it out of your system", it is better to do that now before you are married. This is something that can affect people later in life, particularly in middle age, and it can destroy families.

Remember that more is not necessarily better when it comes to sexual partners. Having more experience does not necessarily make one a better lover, unless you take the time to learn different techniques to please your partner and give pleasure to yourself. The only thing that is guaranteed with more partners is a greater risk of STD's.

If this urge remains strong in you, you have to weigh the consequences of making that choice, because there is no going back. Try to spice up your sex-life by doing new things with your girlfriend before you go sleeping with other people. If that is still not satisfying you, then talk to your girlfriend about feeling the need to be with other partners - it will probably hurt her deeply and affect her self-esteem, but she may be understanding and open about it, and she might even feel the same way (although that is unlikely). It is better to be honest than to go behind her back, and it is more honorable that you are considering taking a break rather than cheating on her.

The joys of sex last for a few hours, but the joy of love can last for a lifetime. There is always more available to explore and discover in a relationship, if both parties are willing. There are different levels of compatibility and chemistry in every relationship, but we can all learn to give each other more joy, pleasure and satisfaction, if we are willing to try new things and give from the heart. Ultimately, in love, the greatest joy and pleasure comes from giving joy and pleasure to those we love.


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