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Not Attracted To Your Mate?

Question: I've been with my girlfriend for 14 months and I don't exactly know how I feel about the relationship. We still have not said 'I love you' - there are times I feel I want to, and times I don't. I don't really brag about her or really want people to talk about her. I care for her a lot, but my feelings fluctuate. I'm not attracted to her as much as I used to be, and I feel myself looking around at other girls. It seems she doesn't try and look her best all the time anymore. I always said that looks aren't the most important thing, but still rank up there. She is a great girl to me: sweet, caring, etc., great girlfriend, except I wish she were better looking. I know this makes me sound really bad, but this is how I think I feel.

Psychic Advice:
Beauty can be only skin deep with many people, and usually fades over time. Enduring love and lasting relationships cannot be based on the superficial, but must have a basis in true friendship, caring and compatibility.

However, humans are multi-sensory beings who are ruled by laws of attraction, and we are often most attracted by how things look (this applies to our attraction to people, places and things). We often form our first impressions and judgments based on how things or people look on the outside, and that forms our opinions and feelings about them.

Why do people find some people attractive and not others? Every culture on Earth has different views and perspectives on what is considered beautiful and attractive, and this changes constantly. At one time in Western culture, being thin was considered unattractive in women as it meant they were not healthy or strong enough for child-bearing. As we know, this idea has absolutely changed these days to the point that many women are literally dying to be thin in order to meet current ideals of beauty. In some cultures, bigger women are still considered beautiful and desirable, just a pierced noses, elongated necks, and tattoos are attractive to some people, and repulsive to others.

You are not attracted to your girlfriend because you are buying into external values of beauty, and allowing that to influence how you feel in your own heart and mind. You seem quite concerned about what other people think of your girlfriend, and how this reflects upon you. You seem to be almost ashamed of her in public, yet you enjoy being with her in private because you like the person that she really is on the inside, and you enjoy how she treats you.

It is very common for people in long-term relationships to relax, become comfortable, and "let themselves go". She feels safe to be her true self with you, so she does not feel the need to wear a mask and put on a show for you. This is both good and bad.

When fishing, one often uses shiny lures to attract the desired fish, but once that fish is caught, there is no longer any need for the lure or bait. You are now finding yourself attracted to the shiny allure of other women, and women often dress to attract men until they hook one, then they dress so they don't attract men other than their mate. This is part of the laws of nature that apply to every species (although in some other species, the males are the ones who must make themselves attractive to the females, such as with peacocks).

The first thing I would suggest to you is that you start to compliment her on all that you find beautiful and attractive about her, and tell her that you would love to see her highlight those features. Start taking her out to places where she can get dressed up, and even offer her a new outfit for the occasion. Offer to go shopping with her, and make it fun and sexy to watch her trying on clothes, complimenting her in ways that make her feel good about herself. You can pick out different clothes for her and let her try them on for you, but be respectful of what she feels comfortable wearing (some women are not comfortable with overt sexuality, and do not want other men looking at them). You can encourage her to try things on in the dressing room without having to buy them - or she can wear them for you in private! Make sure that you compliment her throughout this process as she may feel very self-conscious and uncomfortable trying on new looks.

Clothing becomes an outward expression of how a person feels inside. It takes a great deal of self-confidence for some women to dress in certain ways, and some women can feel vulnerable with simply looking feminine. This is why many women tend to hide themselves behind frumpy clothes, but clothing and make-up can make a world of difference in accentuating a person's best features, and promoting their self-confidence.

You might consider giving her a gift-certificate for a make-over at a spa or department store. Do not make her feel that she is unattractive, or that you are trying to change her. Simply tell her that you see her as a beautiful person on the inside, and you want her to let that inner beauty shine through.

There are many stars who are considered to be very attractive, but whose features are not truly beautiful if you really look at them. Clothes and makeup help a lot, as does personality and style, but what really makes them attractive is the light and confidence that shines from them. Confidence is one of the most attractive features in men or in women, and it comes from how a person thinks and feels about himself/herself. If you stop judging your girlfriend's looks, and start to help her feel better about herself by the way you treat her, you will encourage her to carry herself in a more attractive manner. If you look for the best in her, you will see her in a new and more attractive light.

You have already invested 14 months in this relationship because you really like this woman, and she is worth spending some money on to give her a reason to shine, if she is willing to. Obviously, you were attracted to her in the beginning, and if you can re-ignite that spark by making her feel beautiful and special, then you can more clearly know how you feel. If your feelings for her still have not changed, then let her go gently and encourage her to find someone who can really love her for her true beauty.


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